How to Cope with Powerful and Untethered Emotions that Stress and Hurt Relationships

“To love” is a skill that is cultivated, not merely a state of enthusiasm. It is dynamic and active. Imbued with intention and responsibility. And it is a verb.” Esther Perel

Couples under stress often feel de-stabilised, which gives rise to powerful and usually uncomfortable emotions. 

Those emotions that cause one's heart to pound as if in a marathon, face to flush and body to freeze over (or become electrically charged) are challenging to experience - and fearful to witness.

They can turn anyone from an easy-going human into a seething swamp of resentment.

At some point, the dark art of ‘emotional volleyball’– hurling the equivalent of ‘hot coals’ from one to the other – becomes more important than what the original problem ever was about.

Resentment is like an elephant – it never forgets.

For some it looks like ranting, raving and ridiculing until their partner heads for the door, slamming it behind with an all too familiar finality.

Hearing couples argue in my office looks like a shame-game of one-upmanship that leads both people into a ‘you-said, I-said’ race to the bottom of the scrap heap in the hope of finding one more piece of dirt to throw.

Download you copy of “6 relational patterns that destroy loving and respectful relationships

Low-level 'humphs', eye rolls or rubbing of one’s face in frustration all come across as energy balls of disagreeable, manipulative, emotional toxicity.
The couple is showing a tiny fragment of what happens at home (that's often watered down in my presence).

I’m adept at shutting down arguments like this in the office by calling out the behaviour. Too many bad memories from my own past relationship to want to relive emotional storms again – or become a referee.

If you’ve been caught in this space of an emotionally dysfunctional relationship, then you know how painful it can be. Some days you may feel your head is in a vice as nothing you do seems to relieve this mosquito-filled swamp you’re trapped in.

Wishing things were different without changing what you do (while hoping to change your partner) is a futile pursuit.

Blaming your partner for creating the problem rarely works (unless it’s a serious values violation and you’re protecting a boundary). Silent treatment or retreating internally doesn’t resolve anything, as that well full of resentment that’s been stagnating for years simply continues rising until it’s ready to burst.

You’ve possibly asked yourself what the real problem in your relationship is. You’ve talked to friends, read books, listened to podcasts and watched countless YouTube videos with guaranteed-to-work 5-step plans.

At times, you may have found moments where you can talk and resolve to treat each other with more compassion. You may even start well – acting in loving ways towards each other until you forget or complacency reigns again.

And the cycle continues.

A maddening loop of mistrust, misunderstanding and miscommunication often fuelled by increasing stress levels, anxiety or even depression (if the problem has gone on for a while).

Volatile emotions have the power to 'break' you, both personally and relationally.

What’s missing?

If I could nominate just one thing that needs to shift - it’s the simple act of humanity – of treating each other with compassion.

Without this, the problems a warring couple face are the same reasons wars start and faction groups fight for dominance.

It’s an old story: the desire to live with freedom and peace against a backdrop of fear often fuelled by generational patterns.

Few couples understand each other's deep emotions and unique perspectives. And in doing so relegate the relationship to transactional encounters far away from conversations of meaning.

No one sets out to do this, time simply whittles away the feelings of love in the same way that a rock washed by centuries of waves and storms becomes weathered. Some relationships become so worn down as to break into small pieces, eventually ending up as coarse sand that ebbs and flows with daily tides.

And along the way, few listen to their own emotional needs, let alone their partners.

Lack of honesty

Many women complain about their partner’s lack of presence. Few men really get what this means. As a culture we’ve come to rely on words like ‘being present, ‘coming from a heart space’ and ‘emotional awareness’ as euphemisms that replace saying what a person is really feeling. These words have sanitised our emotional expressions.

A better way of expressing emotions are these: ‘I feel alone.’ ‘I feel unloved.’ ‘I feel empty.’ ‘I feel hurt.’ ‘I feel sad.’ etc.

It’s often more culturally ‘cleaner’ (but misses the point and often sounds like blaming) to speak from our thinking brain and say, ‘I feel that you’re not listening to me.’ ‘I feel like you shut down when we talk about difficult things.’ ‘I feel that you’re not present anymore.’

I’m wondering if you can spot the difference between these two ways of expressing emotions?

As soon as we add the words ‘that’ or ‘like’ we’re interpreting and coming from our meaning-making mind, not speaking from our emotions. 

Why do we do this?
It’s easier. We’re trained to think logically, while internally we make meaning from our emotions (which may not be as ‘right’ as they feel) – and not share the felt sense, therefore not gaining empathy, compassion and care from our partner.

If I could change one thing we learn about emotions, it would be that emotions have their own language. They don’t need to be interpreted into words that can be misunderstood or put up for judgement. We simply need to learn how to express those emotions in a way others can relate to.

If a child came to you and said, ‘I feel sad’, most adults would stop what they’re doing, get down to the child's level so they could make eye contact more easily, gently pull the child in for a hug and ask a question, ‘Can you tell me what’s happening for you?’ (or a similar question to understand more).

Yet within a few short years, this child will learn – often from their parents – how to mask emotions and act-out instead.

If we could approach our partners with the same compassion we’d offer a child who’s struggling with an emotion, then we’d be on the road to understanding and repair within our own relationships.

Sadly, we miss seeing our partner's wounds as we’re so busy licking our own.

It doesn't have to be this way, change is ever-present - which we'll be talking about soon.

What are your thoughts - I'd love to hear :)

Barbara Grace

How To Value Yourself & Set Better Boundaries In Your Relationships

Relationship therapist, Barbara Grace, describes essential insights to expressing and valuing yourself more positively and purposefully in your relationship by creating better boundaries.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

“Being taken for granted is an unpleasant but sincere form of praise. Ironically, the more reliable you are, and the less you complain, the more likely you are to be taken for granted.” — Gretchen Rubin

Let’s start with two quick questions:

First question: How much do you value yourself (on a scale from 1–10)?

Second question: How well do you set boundaries to prioritise your personal & relational well being (on a scale from 1–10)?

Chances are that if you score high on the first question, then you will possibly score high on the second. Similarly, if you score low on the first question, then you will probably also score low on the second.

Why? Because how you think about yourself often influences how well you assert your needs and establish boundaries to achieve them within a relationship.

Accessing your positive and resourceful power only happens when you respect yourself, your partner and the relationship you’re investing in. Then, and only then, can you drop the resentment and set boundaries that support you.

Photo by Artem Beliaikin from Pexels

The Twin Challenges of Valuing Yourself & Setting Better Boundaries

“We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.”

If a relationship is experiencing challenges, those twin factors (self-value and boundaries) often show up as well.

Resentment: The cost of not valuing yourself and setting better boundaries

Here’s a quick check-in: When’s the last time you felt resentment towards your partner, a colleague, a friend or a family member?

Think about it:

• What was happening to your self-esteem at the time?

• How far down the ladder had your own needs fallen?

• How invisible in the equation were you beginning to feel?

• When you spoke, who listened?

It doesn’t take too much for our sense of self-worth to take a direct hit and retreat from this pain.

Resentment lets us know our boundaries are out of alignment — that we’ve allowed someone to take us for granted or assert a level of unresourceful power over us. 

“Anger, resentment and jealousy doesn’t change the heart of others — it only changes yours.”
― Shannon Alder

Resentment is a warning sign that we haven’t put our needs equal to others. It’s a wake-up call that if we don’t express our needs (without feeling guilty for doing so), then others may overlook us as well. Sometimes a relationship can feel like a battle between the ignorant and the ignored, an angry well that feels so deep we could fall in.

Yet, when a couple chooses to honour the relationship’s values, hold each other in positive regard, create mutually beneficial outcomes and operate from a shared position of power and authority — then a healthy, balanced and sustaining relationship is held safely.

True Story

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. ”
― Carrie Fisher

Years ago, I worked with a young woman whose boundaries were so porous that she appeared to live her emotional life as a glossy ball in a pinball game. One moment heading in the right direction, the next bouncing off someone else’s equally porous boundaries.

Her emotional state reacted with overwhelm, rarely with stability. Her relationships looked complicated and her love-needy-ness was at an all-time high. The energy she created propelled a perpetual state of chaos.

This is one side of the powerless equation — boundaryless and lost in a swirl of worthlessness.

She Did It!! Photo by Snapwire from Pexels

While her family background and history offered a clear road map to how she turned up in her life, people like this young woman can choose to reach a point where the desire to honour themselves by discovering their personal power allows the next step to be taken. It was a long road to finding a healthy balance, and she did it.

The Cost of Self-righteous Rigidity

“Resentment is often a woman’s inner signal that she has been ignoring an important God-given responsibility — that of making choices.”
― Brenda Waggoner

Relationships with power imbalances can be challenging to live in. If one partner holds onto a sense of self-righteousness rigidly, then the other can disappear under the weight of their partner’s grandiosity, one-up positioning and superiority.

It can feel like chipping through marble to get to the soul of the human within.

download your free guide to building the relationship you desire

Techniques used to achieve self-centred outcomes (passive-aggressive stances, blatant manipulation or outright bullying) that position the person as superior and with one-up power can wear down the most resilient of us. 

Yet when you set healthy containing boundaries then you know how to reject self-centred grandiosity and keep yourself (and your self-worth) protected.

Often the embryo of these grandiose states originates as a self-protective strategy — learned by modelling the actions of others, or as a defense to stop ever being hurt again. It’s usually in childhood that these strategies are learned — rarely by choice.

Impact on well being

Many challenges couples face come down to a reduced awareness of how these dual states (self-value and boundaries) impact their emotional well-being.

At the pointy end is often a misaligned relationship with one’s own personal power. Having too much or too little shifts the dynamics of a healthy balanced relationship. So often it’s driven by a personal narrative embedded when young. If a person grew up feeling abandoned, unloved or unworthy it makes sense that their perceived self-worth will be protected beneath an emotional wound simply to survive.

It’s in this space that much of the work I do appears — mining the surface layers of power & ego against the softer and more vulnerable space of unmet emotional needs can create stronger boundaries along with a more joyous sense of self-worth.

So how do you know if your relationship with power is in balance or not?

Take a moment to reflect in your journal (or talk with your partner) about these questions:

In my own experiences, I can look back and see times in my life and relationships that had me putting up rigid boundaries — often due to modelling from parents or from hurts I wanted to protect myself from ever experiencing together.

Those ‘walls’, which can be initially erected as a defensive strategy, are simply ineffective boundaries — either too rigid to feel (or express) emotions or too porous to feel safe within the relationship.

In this month’s ‘Heart of Relationships’ group we’ll be continuing to explore boundaries, power and self-esteem work.

It’s the insights coming from this work that help us turn up in a more healthy and respectful way — to our partners, our children, our families and ultimately to ourselves.

Please share your thoughts with me — what’s your relationship with power and setting boundaries? How has it helped you reconnect with self-worth and self-care?

I’d love to hear from you and read your personal insights.

Barbara Grace — Relationship Therapist at the School of Modern Psychology 

Barbara also runs an online program: Heart of Relationships, you can find out more about it here.