“Inhale the future, exhale the past. “— Author Unknown

It’s a miracle any of us make it through tough times in a relationship.

Most of us hold on though, as memories of good times remind us of how much we love our partners. How much we care for their quirky ways. How much we have in common. How much we remember feeling no one else gets us like this person does.

But then, before we can really relish this state, reality with all its daily problems returns with a thud squishing those warm fuzzy feelings.

Now we’re back on the old roller-coaster cycle that leaves us feeling abandoned or alone.

“I don’t think he loves me.”

“She never shows me any affection.

“He’s always in the garage — it’s like he’s avoiding us.”

“She’s never happy with what I do to help out — so why bother, she’s going to whinge anyway.”

We may wonder what life would be like on our own.

Listen. Are you breathing just a little and calling it a life? — Mary Oliver

Some end up choosing this option as frustration, anger or resentment seems to have numbed any love once felt.

For others, the fight to keep the relationship alive can feel like they’ve entered a fencing competition where neither knows the rules. In the process, practicing a painful game of point-scoring.

A couple of years ago I took a fencing class — instigated by my brother who believed the sport would help me reduce tension. (That’s a whole other story.)

What I found was that my idealised notion of fencing (gathered from old British spy movies) stopped me from being present and really listening to the instructions given by the instructor.

The intention to shuffle-step towards my opponent looked more like a Scottish Highlander charging at the enemy — hell-bent on releasing the tension of the world onto my unsuspecting opponent.

The instructor regularly stopped the class, reminding us (me) that we weren’t on any movie set.

He demonstrated the moves again and we followed along step-by-step.

Yet, once the bell dinged to begin an actual duel my inner warrior (thank you Mel Gibson) returned and in the heat of parry-and-thrust the emotional energy of fight and flight kicked in and I was at it again.

Recklessly charging along the black rubber matting until I tripped over my own feet, mortally wounding my out-of-control ego.

Battling With Out of Control Egos Wounds Partners

“If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego!”― Richard Rohr, Breathing Underwater

The scene reminds me of how challenging it can be to change our emotional responses when fighting with partners.

If you’re used to retreating from arguments and any sign of conflict, then staying in the heat of the moment can feel as if a volcanic explosion could internally erupt at any moment.

On the other side of the equation, if you’re a ‘let’s-talk-this-out’ kinda person, then cooling your heels while your partner calms down and feels ready to talk rationally about the problem is akin to feeling bound and gagged. A cruel form of torture for those ready to spend hours battling issues.

Knowing your pattern (and your partners) helps you choose wiser actions when challenging moments arise.

Both responses (retreat and attack) feel charged with emotion, yet in the moment it’s challenging to feel empathy for the other while the oldest part of your brain is signalling danger and getting you ready to respond.

Your breath is your anchor.

“Each breath is like a little rebirth, a renaissance that can only be celebrated if we recognize that it’s happening.” — Cristen Rodgers

Just like the bruises my knees and ego took during that fencing lesson, a wiser me could have chosen to use a simple breathing technique before the pseudo duel.

This would have achieved two things.
1. Firstly to maintain emotional presence.
2. Secondly to focus my energy in a positive manner.

This simple process would have helped keep my amygdala from responding with nothing more than a primitive fight-flight response.

In meditation terms it’s described as ‘returning to the breath’. The single focus is on the one thing we can control in heightened moments, the one thing that’s constant in our lives — breathing — regardless of whatever we’re doing.

So if I’d prepared my body well for the fencing bout, I would have followed the navy seals advice:

When in a stressful situation breathe in for four seconds, hold for four seconds, breathe out for four seconds, hold for four seconds.

While doing this, aim to notice the senses associated with the breath entering your nose, touching the back of your throat, filling your lungs, causing your belly to expand.

Repeating this pattern helps regulate the autonomic nervous system.

Is it easy to do in the moment?
Heck no.
Is it worthwhile learning so your emotions become more regulated?
Heck yes.

Yet who among us doesn’t return to the thrust and parry of warrior-self while believing in our ‘right-ness’ when caught in those electrifying moments of fight and flight?

“Deep breathing brings deep thinking and shallow breathing brings shallow thinking.” — Elsie Lincoln Benedict

Communication skills are great tools. Yet, virtually impossible to use if we struggle in regulating our nervous system. The ‘fight-flight’ system that’s activated during arguments will angrily charge your words, actions and emotions until the energy is spent and you’re left licking your wounds wishing you hadn’t uttered the belittling crap that just came out of your mouth — or as suggested by your body language.

If you fall readily into the fight-flight pattern, please know there is an inevitable outcome to any argument: Your partner will rarely change just to accommodate your anger, your retreating from the situation or any other form of acting out.

We cannot change our partners. All we can do is change ourselves.

And most importantly, it’s up to us to manage emotional responses so arguments don’t result in stressful bouts designed for a win-lose situation.

All relationship repair work begins with knowing how to manage one’s own emotions.

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” — Thich Nhat Hanh

Get this right, and then discovering where those recurring triggers come from (often they arise from unconscious perceptions around how we were raised during our early years), helps shift old self-protective beliefs that could be undermining your relationship.

Do this, then practicing positive and caring communication skills will come more easily — just like learning how to fence — follow the basic steps, not those remembered from out-of-date memories.