Does Conflict Stem From Emotional Neglect?

I was listening to a podcast recently with journalist and author, Malcolm Gladwell. He stated that,"It's not conflict that drives people away, it's neglect".

Gladwell’s statement resonates with broader psychological and relationship studies around this issue.

Neglect in a relationship can manifest in various ways, including emotional, physical, or communicative neglect.

When individuals feel ignored, unappreciated, or disconnected from their partner, it can create a void that, over time, may lead to conflicts. Here's how neglect can contribute to conflict in relationships:

Emotional Neglect:

Emotional neglect occurs when partners don't provide the emotional support and connection the other person needs. Over time, this lack of emotional responsiveness can lead to feelings of isolation and dissatisfaction, fueling conflicts as individuals may seek attention or validation elsewhere.

Communication Breakdown:

Neglect often results in a breakdown of communication. When couples don't actively engage in open and honest communication, misunderstandings can occur, and small issues may escalate into larger conflicts. Effective communication is crucial for resolving differences and maintaining a healthy relationship.

Unmet Needs:

Neglect can lead to unmet needs, whether they are physical, emotional, or social. When individuals feel their needs are consistently overlooked or dismissed, it can create frustration and resentment, which may eventually manifest as conflicts within the relationship.

Loss of Connection:

Neglect can erode the sense of connection between partners. When couples feel distant or disengaged, they may be more prone to misinterpret each other's actions, leading to conflicts that arise from a sense of disconnection.

Research in the field of relationship psychology supports the idea that ongoing neglect can contribute to conflicts.

Studies have shown that the quality of relationships is closely tied to factors like communication, emotional responsiveness, and overall satisfaction. When these elements are neglected, conflicts can become more prevalent and intense.

For couples struggling with conflict, addressing neglect involves actively investing time and effort into understanding each other's needs, communicating effectively, and fostering emotional connection.

Below are 20 questions: Aim to not answer glibly - that may be seen as ‘neglectful’ or ‘dismissive’!

1. Am I actively listening when my partner speaks, or am I often distracted or preoccupied with other thoughts?

2. Do I make an effort to understand my partner's emotions and perspective, even if we disagree?

3. Have I expressed appreciation for my partner recently, acknowledging their contributions and qualities?

4. Do I prioritize quality time with my partner, creating moments for connection without distractions?

5. Am I aware of my partner's needs, and do I take proactive steps to meet them?

6. Have I checked in with my partner about their well-being and asked how their day was?

7. Do I respond to my partner's bids for attention, affection, or support in a positive and timely manner?

8. Have I apologized and taken responsibility when I've unintentionally hurt my partner?

9. Am I open to discussing and understanding my partner's dreams, fears, and aspirations?

10. Do I show empathy when my partner is going through a challenging time, providing emotional support?

11. Have I created a safe space for my partner to share their thoughts and feelings without judgment?

12. Do I actively engage in shared activities or hobbies that bring joy to both of us?

13. Am I attentive to non-verbal cues and body language, recognizing when my partner might need reassurance or comfort?

14. Have I expressed gratitude for the small gestures and efforts my partner makes for our relationship?

15. Do I make an effort to surprise my partner or add elements of novelty to keep our relationship dynamic?

16. Have I taken time to understand and respect my partner's boundaries and personal space?

17. Do I communicate my love and commitment to my partner regularly, both through words and actions?

18. Am I willing to compromise and find solutions when conflicts arise, rather than avoiding or escalating them?

19. Have I asked my partner about their long-term goals and how I can support them in achieving those goals?

20. Do I actively contribute to the emotional and physical intimacy in our relationship, fostering a deeper connection?

Reflecting on these questions can help you gain insight into the level of engagement (attunement) you’re offering your partner; and, whether they are actively working to prevent neglect in the relationship.

Conflict: Why It's Important For Couples + A Practical Conflict Resolution Tool

People only see what they are prepared to see. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Conflicts a couple experience can be complex and multifaceted, often stemming from a combination of internal and external factors.

Delving into the intricacies of these conflicts needs an understanding of both partners' perspectives and the dynamics at play. Let's explore some potential underlying issues, both internal and external, that may contribute to a couple's struggles:

Internal Conflicts:

1. Communication Styles:

   • Issue: Differences in communication styles can lead to misunderstandings and frustration.

   • Internal Conflict: One partner might feel unheard or dismissed, while the other may struggle with expressing themselves effectively.

2. Unmet Emotional Needs:

   • Issue: Unfulfilled emotional needs can create a sense of emptiness or dissatisfaction.

   • Internal Conflict: One partner may grapple with feelings of loneliness or abandonment, while the other may struggle with guilt or inadequacy.

3. Personal Insecurities:

   • Issue: Personal insecurities can manifest as jealousy or mistrust.

   • Internal Conflict: Both partners may be dealing with their own insecurities, leading to a cycle of defensiveness and vulnerability.

4. Different Values and Goals:

   • Issue: Divergent values or goals can lead to conflicts over priorities and life directions.

   • Internal Conflict: One partner may feel torn between personal aspirations and the relationship, while the other may wrestle with feelings of being stifled or not understood.

5. Past Trauma:

   • Issue: Unresolved traumas from the past can impact the present relationship.

   • Internal Conflict: Individuals may struggle with trust issues, fear of vulnerability, or recurring emotional wounds from past experiences.

External Conflicts:

1. External Stressors:

   • Issue: External pressures such as work, finances, or family expectations can strain the relationship.

   • Internal Conflict: Partners may internalize stress differently, leading to varying levels of emotional availability and coping mechanisms.

2. Social Expectations:

   • Issue: Societal norms and expectations can influence the couple's dynamics.

   • Internal Conflict: One partner may grapple with societal expectations, while the other may struggle with feelings of inadequacy or the desire for independence.

3. Lack of Support Systems:

   • Issue: Insufficient support from friends or family can strain the relationship.

   • Internal Conflict: Partners may feel isolated or unsupported, leading to a sense of dependency on each other and potential resentment.

4. External Influences on Identity:

   • Issue: Changes in individual identities due to external factors can impact the relationship dynamics.

   • Internal Conflict: Partners may struggle with their evolving sense of self, leading to a need for understanding and acceptance from the other.

Can Conflict Be Helpful In A Relationship?

Conflict within a relationship is often viewed negatively due to the emotional turbulence and potential for damage to the connection between partners. However, when managed constructively, can have several positive aspects.

1. Fostering Growth and Understanding:

Negative Perception: Conflict is often associated with pain and discomfort.

Positive Shift: Constructive conflict encourages personal and relational growth by forcing individuals to confront differences, leading to a deeper understanding of themselves and their partners. This is where a couple appreciate each other’s differences and learn that ‘differentiation’ can be a healthy aspect of a relationship that’s growing - not stagnating.

2. Enhancing Communication Skills:

Negative Perception: Conflict is seen as a breakdown in communication.

Positive Shift: Conflict can improve communication skills if partners take time to understand their personal needs (around safety/security, playfulness/fun/variety/pesonal expression, their need to feel prioritised/appreciated and loved/cherished.

3. Resolving Unmet Needs:

Negative Perception: Conflict often highlights unmet emotional/intimacy needs.

Positive Shift: Learning how to listen and hear a partner’s emotional needs without feeling judged/put down can re-build closeness and connection.

4. Building Resilience:

Negative Perception: Conflict can be viewed as weakening the relationship.

Positive Shift: Successfully navigating conflicts builds resilience within the relationship. Couples learn to weather storms together, strengthening their bond and trust in each other's ability to handle challenges.

5. Expressing unvoiced fears:

Negative Perception: Conflict may be associated with vulnerability.

Positive Shift: Conflict provides a platform for emotional openness. It encourages partners to share their feelings, fears, and desires, fostering a more emotionally intimate connection.

6. Preventing Resentment:

Negative Perception: Conflict can lead to resentment.

Positive Shift: Constructive conflict resolution prevents the accumulation of unresolved issues and resentment. By addressing concerns promptly, couples can maintain a healthier emotional climate within the relationship.

7. Catalyzing Positive Change:

Negative Perception: Conflict is often seen as disruptive.

Positive Shift: Conflict can be a catalyst for positive change. It prompts couples to reassess their dynamics, make necessary adjustments, and evolve together. Through conflict, couples can build a relationship that aligns more closely with their evolving needs and aspirations.

8. Encouraging Individual Reflection:

Negative Perception: Conflict can lead to defensiveness.

Positive Shift: Conflict can encourage individual reflection. Partners can use conflicts as opportunities to understand their own triggers, insecurities, and communication patterns. This self-awareness contributes to personal growth and enhances the overall quality of the relationship.

9. Finding Your Voice:

Negative Perception: It’s better to sweep conflict under the carpet and keep the peace.

Positive Shift:

Learning how to communicate clearly is a skill many couples need to develop. Just because conflict is squashed, doesn’t mean it’s resolved. Finding your voice, without feeling guilty, is part of a couple’s work to work through issues rather than ignoring them.

In cultivating a positive approach to conflict, couples can shift their mindset from viewing it as a threat to seeing it as an opportunity for growth, understanding, and intimacy. Developing effective conflict resolution skills, such as active listening, empathy, and compromise, is crucial for harnessing the positive potential of conflicts within a relationship. Ultimately, it's the ability to learn and grow together through challenges that can transform conflict into a constructive force within a partnership.

Understanding Conflict with the ‘Ladder of Inference” (developed by Chris Argyris)

Imagine conflict as a winding staircase, where each step takes you further away from resolution. One useful framework to understand this process is the "Ladder of Inference." It's like having a map to navigate the twists and turns of disagreements.

Picture this:

You and your partner start at the bottom of the ladder. The ground floor represents raw data - what you both observe and experience. Now, as you ascend the ladder, each rung represents a mental step. Here's where things get interesting:

Selective Observation: You choose specific elements of the raw data that stand out to you. These become the building blocks for your personal perspective.

Interpretation: You start making sense of those observations. What do they mean to you? Your personal experiences and beliefs sneak in, coloring your interpretation.

Assumptions: Now, assumptions join the party. You take your interpretations and add assumptions - things you believe to be true without concrete evidence.

Conclusions: Building upon assumptions, you draw conclusions. These are your decisions about the situation based on your interpretations and assumptions.

Beliefs: Conclusions then solidify into beliefs. These are like your personal truths, shaping how you see the world.

Actions: Finally, your beliefs drive your actions. You behave based on what you've climbed up to believe about the situation.

Here's the kicker:

Conflict often escalates because both partners are on different rungs of the ladder. You might be on the "Beliefs" step, while your partner is still stuck on "Interpretation." It's like trying to communicate in different languages!

So, how do you climb back down together?

Share Your Journey: Explain your climb up the ladder. Share what raw data you observed and how you interpreted it. This opens a window into your perspective.

Ask Questions: Encourage your partner to share their climb. Ask about their observations, interpretations, and assumptions. Be genuinely curious.

Seek Common Ground: Find the shared rungs. What raw data do you both agree on? Identifying common ground helps create a bridge between your perspectives.

Challenge Assumptions: Examine assumptions together. Are they valid? Are they based on facts or personal biases? This step can be a game-changer.

Co-create Solutions: Once you've climbed back down together, you're in a better position to find resolutions. Build solutions based on a shared understanding of the situation.

Remember, conflict is a shared journey. By acknowledging and understanding the steps on the ladder, you empower yourselves to de-escalate conflicts, fostering a deeper connection and shared resolutions.

Let's make this practical and dive into a common source of conflict - coming home late to a messy house and an empty fridge. Meet Alex and Taylor, a couple navigating the intricacies of their busy lives:

Alex's Perspective (Higher Rung):

Alex works long hours at a demanding job, often facing unexpected challenges and tight deadlines. One evening, Alex arrives home later than usual, feeling exhausted and hungry. The first thing noticed is the messy living room and the empty fridge. The tiredness amplifies frustration, and Alex's mind begins climbing the ladder.

Observation: The living room is cluttered, and the fridge is empty.

Interpretation: "I've had a tough day, and I come home to this chaos. It feels like no one cares about creating a comfortable space for me."

Assumption: "Taylor should have known I would be tired and hungry. They could have cleaned up or at least thought about dinner."

Conclusion: "Taylor doesn't appreciate the effort I put into my work. They don't prioritize our home environment or my well-being."

Belief: "I work hard, and it seems like Taylor takes that for granted. Maybe they don't understand the importance of a clean and welcoming home."

Action: Alex expresses frustration and disappointment, maybe even withdrawing emotionally, expecting Taylor to understand without explicitly communicating the feelings.

Taylor's Perspective (Lower Rung):

Taylor, on the other hand, has been managing a hectic schedule as well, juggling work, personal commitments, and unforeseen challenges. When Alex arrives home, Taylor is engrossed in completing a last-minute project, completely unaware of the time or the state of the house. Let's see the climb up the ladder:

Observation: Taylor is focused on work, unaware of the time or the messy surroundings.

Interpretation: "I have this important project, and I need to finish it. The time got away from me, and I didn't realize how late it was."

Assumption: "Alex understands that my job can be demanding. They've been supportive in the past, so they should understand this situation too."

Conclusion: "It's not intentional. Alex knows I'm dedicated to my work, and I assumed they'd understand the occasional late evening."

Belief: "Alex values my commitment to my job. They might be momentarily upset, but they know it's part of the deal."

Action: Taylor continues working, assuming that Alex will appreciate the dedication to their job and understand the situation.

Resolution:

In this example, Alex and Taylor are on different rungs of the ladder. While Alex is up there feeling unappreciated and neglected, Taylor is down below, assuming that their commitment to work is understood. The conflict deepens because they haven't shared their respective climbs.

To resolve this, they need to communicate openly. Alex can express their need for a clean, welcoming home after a tough day. Simultaneously, Taylor can share their perspective, acknowledging the unintended oversight and emphasizing the importance of mutual understanding. Through this dialogue, they can find common ground, perhaps establishing a system to manage responsibilities during busy periods or setting expectations for communication about late nights.

Understanding each other's climbs up the ladder is key to resolving conflicts and building a more resilient and communicative relationship.

Try out this ‘ladder’ for yourselves. Think back to a recent disagreement and map it using the insights gained here.

How to Get Over Betrayal: Tips and Strategies for Moving On

Discovering betrayal can feel like your gut’s just been hit by a forty-pound sledge hammer.

To say it’s an emotional blow that can shake your foundations, emotional safety and well-being is an understatement.

When someone you trust breaches that trust, it's not just the act itself that hurts—it's the wave of emotions and the realization your relationship with the person may never be the same.

In fact, you may never be the same again. Processing these raw emotions can eventually lead you to a deeper understanding of your values and needs, in a way you may not have considered previously.

The old saying: “You’ll never step into the same river twice” is absolutely true here.

Initially, the emotions that feel as if they’re overtaking your body may also cause sleepless nights as your imagination serves painfully raw images of details that cause you to cringe, cry in disbelief and crash headlong into this nightmare you’ve entered.

You may doubt yourself, wonder whether you’re going mad or struggle to make it through everyday routines.

Painful as this is, you will get through it.

Why? Because this is the beginning of the healing process. Accepting these feelings as valid, and part of your experience, is the first step to recovery.

After discovering the betrayal, it's vital to take care of yourself both emotionally and physically. Seeking support from friends, family, or professionals can provide an outlet for your feelings and help you navigate the complex path of forgiveness and rebuilding trust.

Healing isn't just about getting over the pain; it's about taking control of your narrative and moving forward with your life. Remember that it's okay to demand the space and respect that you need to process the breach of trust.

Key Takeaways

• Recognizing and accepting your emotions facilitates healing from betrayal.

• Self-care and support systems are essential for navigating the aftermath of betrayal.

• Moving forward involves regaining control of your personal narrative and rebuilding trust at your own pace.

Understanding Betrayal and Its Impact

Betrayal can deeply affect your emotional well-being and mental health. It's important to recognize the forms it can take, its psychological effects, and the mental health implications it carries.

Types of Betrayal

Betrayal can arise in various forms within your relationships. Whether it's a friend sharing a secret or a partner being unfaithful, these acts shatter the trust you've built with another person. Betrayal trauma occurs when someone you depend on significantly harms your sense of security, which can happen with family members, intimate partners or close friendships.

The Psychological Effects of Betrayal

The emotional rollercoaster a person experiences after betrayal is similar to experiencing grief. Nothing feels the same, because the common ground you once stood on has been torn apart. Stability is compromised as layers upon layers of lies and deceit emerge. Anger, sadness and rage are not only normal, they are a vital part of processing what has happened to you.

Betrayal and Mental Health

The impact of betrayal can extend to your mental health, potentially leading to depression or anxiety or even PTSD-like symptoms. It's crucial to address these feelings rather than dismiss them, as unresolved issues may affect future relationships and overall well-being. If you're struggling with the effects of betrayal, consider seeking professional help to navigate through this trauma.

The Role of Acceptance in Healing

Acceptance is a vital step in healing from betrayal. Embracing the reality of what has happened allows you to process your emotions and move forward.

Acknowledging the Betrayal

The journey to healing starts when you accept that betrayal has occurred. This can be difficult, as it often involves confronting painful truths. Acceptance doesn't mean you agree with or forgive the betrayal immediately, but it's an acknowledgment of its impact on your life.

Moving Through Grief

As you acknowledge betrayal, you enter the grief process. Grieving the loss of trust is necessary for healing. During this phase:

• Allow yourself to feel: Don’t push your emotions away. It's okay to feel hurt and betrayed.

• Give yourself time: Healing isn't instantaneous. It's a process that requires patience.

Remember that accepting the pain is part of letting it go. It's a step toward rebuilding your emotional well-being and finding peace.

Navigating Trust and Forgiveness

When betrayal shakes the foundation of trust in your relationships, whether with a friend or romantic partner, moving forward often hinges on your journey through rebuilding trust and exploring forgiveness.

Rebuilding Trust

Trust, once broken, can be difficult to restore, but it's not impossible. To begin the process, remember that rebuilding trust takes time and consistent effort. Your steps should include:

• Understanding the breach: Reflect on what happened and why it hurt you, acknowledging the feelings that come with betrayal.

• Open communication: Engage in honest discussions with the person who betrayed you. It's essential to express your feelings and hear their perspective. Experts often emphasize the need for complete honesty in such conversations for any hope of regaining the trust that was lost.

• Set new boundaries: Clearly define what you expect from each other moving forward. This could involve agreeing to certain behaviors or setting limits on what is acceptable.

Deciding Whether to Forgive

Forgiveness is a personal decision, and it doesn't necessarily mean reconciling with the person who hurt you. Instead, it's about letting go of the anger and resentment for your peace of mind. Consider the following:

• Assess your feelings: Allow yourself to feel the pain and anger, but also contemplate if you can see a future without those burdens.

• Long-term impact: Weigh the benefits and drawbacks of holding onto hurt feelings, and how they might affect your current and future relationships, including those with trust issues.

• Self-Reflection: Take time for self-reflection to decide if forgiveness is something you are ready for. This step is essential for healing, regardless of whether the relationship continues.

Coping Strategies and Self-Care

Moving past betrayal involves developing healthy coping mechanisms and committing to self-care routines. It's about understanding your feelings, finding activities that lift your spirits, and, if necessary, getting help from a professional.

Developing Emotional Regulation

To build emotional resilience, start by acknowledging your feelings without judgment. Practicing self-compassion can facilitate a more balanced emotional state. Simple techniques like deep breathing or mindfulness can help regulate intense emotions. Consider keeping a journal where you can express your thoughts and track your emotional triggers.

Engaging in Supportive Hobbies

Immersing yourself in hobbies can provide relief and a sense of fulfillment. Whether it's creating art, playing music, or gardening, activities you enjoy can act as a buffer against distress. Hobbies can be a source of joy, help you reconnect with your passions, and offer an avenue for stress release.

Seeking Professional Help

Therapy can be a safe space to process feelings of betrayal and rebuild trust in yourself and others. A therapist can introduce you to strategies tailored to your situation and support you in your healing journey. If you're uncertain about where to start, resources like Healthline provide information on therapy options.

Remember, taking care of your emotional health is a sign of strength, not weakness. Prioritizing self-care and effective coping strategies can pave the way to recovery and personal growth.

Creating a Support System

When facing betrayal, a robust support system can be your greatest ally. It's not just about having people around; it's about ensuring you have the right connections to lean on that cultivate healing and resilience.

Leaning on Friends and Family

Close friends and family provide an emotional safety net for when you stumble. Initiate a conversation and be open about your feelings—those who care about you want to help. You can:

• Schedule regular check-ins with them.

• Ask to share experiences over a coffee date or a walk in the park.

It's essential to choose individuals who uplift and understand you, creating an environment of trust and mutual support.

Expanding Your Social Network

While friends and family are the foundation, expanding your social network can reinforce your support system. Engaging with new people can introduce fresh perspectives and positivity. Tactics for broadening your social connections include:

• Joining community groups or clubs.

• Using social media or apps designed to meet new like-minded individuals.

Remember, nurturing new connections takes time but can significantly bolster your social and emotional well-being.

Taking Control of Your Narrative

After experiencing betrayal, reclaiming your personal story is vital. This process enables you to understand your emotions and reinforce your self-esteem.

The Power of Talking

Talking about betrayal with someone you trust can be profoundly healing. When you express your feelings aloud, it not only offers emotional release but also strengthens your communication skills. Sharing your story with a therapist or a close friend helps you sort through complex emotions and gain clarity.

Using Journaling as a Tool

Journaling serves as a powerful tool to help you process betrayal. By writing down your thoughts:

• Identify and express your emotions without external judgment.

• Review and reflect on your feelings to understand your personal narrative.

• Boost your self-esteem by affirming your worth and resilience.

In writing, aim to be consistent and honest with your entries to see the evolution of your emotional journey.

When to Consider Professional Therapy

If you're struggling to move past feelings of betrayal, it might be time to consider seeking support from a professional. Therapy can offer a guided pathway to healing, providing the tools you need to rebuild your trust and emotional health.

Understanding the Benefits of Therapy

Engaging with a therapist can bring clarity to your situation. It's a chance for you to discuss your feelings in a safe, confidential environment. Therapy can help you process your emotions, understand the impact of betrayal on your mental health, and learn coping strategies. Whether it's individual sessions or couples therapy, you will receive tailored support to face the challenges of healing from betrayal.

Finding the Right Therapist

Finding a therapist that you can trust is crucial for your recovery journey.

1. Research therapists with relevant expertise.

2. Ask for referrals from friends, family, or healthcare professionals.

3. Enquire about their methods—some may offer specific types of therapy like emotionally focused therapy, attachment therapy and/or focus on couples therapy, if that's what you require.

Choosing to work with a therapist is a significant step towards healing. Remember, it's important to feel comfortable and understood by your professional of choice, as this relationship is foundational to your recovery from betrayal.

Moving Forward with Life

Overcoming betrayal is a profound journey towards healing and self-growth. As you navigate this path, keep in mind that rebuilding your life is about commitment—to yourself and to the prospect of embracing new relationships.

Rebuilding Life After Betrayal

Rebuilding your life after experiencing betrayal involves acknowledging your emotions and recognizing the breach of trust that occurred. This recognition is an important step towards healing.

Actively work on rebuilding your sense of self by setting personal goals that are aligned with your values and interests. Allowing yourself time to heal is essential, and can offer compassionate strategies for navigating this process.

The importance of this cannot be understated. Unresolved trauma can lead to:

• jealousy in future relationships or the current relationship

• feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem and self-worth, or an inferiority complex

• intrusive thoughts

• anxiety

• depression

• trouble managing emotions

• suppressing emotions

• attachment issues

• substance abuse

• eating disorders

• suspicion, paranoia, and hypervigilance

• guilt and shame

• betrayal blindness (overlooking potential red flags in current or future relationships in order to maintain that relationship)

Instead:

• Acknowledge your feelings: Name the emotions you’re feeling and understand their impact.

• Set personal goals: Outline what you want to achieve moving forward.

Embracing New Relationships

In the wake of betrayal, you might feel hesitant to form new relationships, but they can be a crucial part of your journey to finding happiness and self-growth again. Approach new relationships with an open heart but also with clear boundaries that reflect your learnt lessons. Build these new connections on a foundation of honesty and mutual commitment, which can help reaffirm trust. Psych Central's article on How to Deal with Betrayal: 8 Tips explains how accepting the past can clarify what you are looking for in future relationships.

• Approach with an open heart: Be willing to form new connections, while also protecting your well-being.

• Set clear boundaries: Clearly communicate your expectations to establish trust.

Frequently Asked Questions

Recovering from betrayal is a process which involves addressing both emotional and physical symptoms, understanding the signs of betrayal, and learning how to rebuild trust. This section aims to answer some of the most pressing questions you might have during this challenging time.

What steps can I take to heal from betrayal trauma?

To heal from betrayal trauma, it's important to acknowledge your feelings and consider professional support. Cultivating self-care practices can stabilize your emotional well-being.

Can you experience physical symptoms from betrayal, and how can you manage them?

Yes, betrayal can lead to physical symptoms like insomnia, nausea, and headaches. Managing these symptoms often requires adequate rest, nutrition, and sometimes, consulting a healthcare provider for stress-related symptoms.

What are some signs that may indicate betrayal in a relationship?

Signs of betrayal include noticeable changes in communication patterns, lack of emotional intimacy, and unexplained absences. Being aware of these changes can help in identifying betrayal early on.

How can one stop obsessing after feeling betrayed?

To stop obsessing, focus on activities that keep you grounded and present, such as exercise or meditation. It can also be helpful to set boundaries on how much you ruminate about the betrayal by scheduling limited times to reflect.

What are the long-term effects of betrayal on the brain?

Betrayal can lead to long-term effects on the brain such as difficulty trusting others and heightened stress responses. Learning coping mechanisms and possibly engaging in therapy can mitigate these long-term effects.

How can you rebuild trust after someone has betrayed you?

Rebuilding trust requires honest communication, genuine remorse from the betrayer, and time. Establishing new agreements and consistent, reliable behavior are essential steps in rebuilding trust.

Types of Betrayal

Betrayal can take many forms, and some of the most common types include:

Infidelity: This is when your partner engages in sexual or emotional intimacy with someone else.

Lying: This is when someone deliberately misleads you by saying something that is not true.

Broken promises: This is when someone fails to keep their word or agreement with you.

Stealing: This is when someone takes something from you without your permission or knowledge.

Causes of Betrayal

Betrayal can be caused by various factors, including:

Lack of communication: When there is a lack of communication in a relationship, it can lead to misunderstandings and misinterpretations that can result in betrayal.

Selfishness: When someone is selfish, they may prioritize their own needs and desires over those of others, which can lead to betrayal.

Insecurity: When someone is insecure, they may engage in behaviors that are harmful to others, such as lying or cheating.

External factors: Betrayal can also be caused by external factors such as stress, financial problems, or addiction.

Symptoms of Betrayal Trauma

Betrayal trauma can have a significant impact on your emotional and mental well-being. Some of the most common symptoms of betrayal trauma include:

Anxiety: You may feel anxious or on edge, worrying about the possibility of future betrayal.

Depression: Betrayal can cause feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and despair.

Anger: You may feel angry or resentful towards the person who betrayed you.

Trust issues: Betrayal can make it difficult to trust others, even those who have never betrayed you.

Understanding the different types of betrayal, its causes, and the symptoms of betrayal trauma can help you navigate the aftermath of a betrayal. Remember that healing from betrayal takes time, and it's essential to prioritize your emotional and mental well-being during the process.

Emotional Impact and Acknowledgement

Betrayal can have a profound emotional impact on you. You may experience a range of emotions such as anger, grief, shock, anxiety, and depression. It is important to recognize and acknowledge these feelings to start the healing process.

Recognizing Your Feelings

The first step towards healing from betrayal is to recognize your feelings. You may feel angry, hurt, betrayed, or even numb. It is important to acknowledge these emotions and allow yourself to feel them. Don't try to suppress or ignore your feelings. Instead, try to understand what you are feeling and why.

One way to recognize your feelings is to write them down in a journal. This can help you process your emotions and gain clarity on your thoughts. You can also talk to a trusted friend or therapist about your feelings. Sometimes, just talking to someone can help you feel better and gain a new perspective.

Acceptance of the Situation

Once you have recognized your feelings, the next step is to accept the situation. This can be difficult, especially if you feel like you have been wronged. However, acceptance is a crucial step towards healing.

Acceptance means acknowledging that the betrayal has happened and that you cannot change the past. It also means accepting that you cannot control other people's actions or behavior. You can only control your own reactions and responses.

One way to practice acceptance is to focus on the present moment. Try to let go of the past and focus on what you can do now to move forward. You can also practice self-care activities such as exercise, meditation, or spending time with loved ones. These activities can help you feel more grounded and centered.

In summary, recognizing and acknowledging your emotions is an important step towards healing from betrayal. Acceptance of the situation is also crucial for moving forward. Remember to be patient with yourself and seek support if you need it.

The Healing Process

Betrayal can be a traumatic experience that can leave you feeling hurt, angry, and confused. However, it is possible to heal and move forward from it. The healing process is different for everyone, but there are some general steps you can take to help yourself heal.

40 ways to recover from betrayal

1. Take time for self-care - focus on eating healthy, exercising, getting enough sleep, spending time with supportive friends/family, etc.

2. Process your emotions - allow yourself to feel angry, sad, etc. Journaling can help you work through intense emotions.

3. Limit contact with the betrayer - you need space to heal. Only communicate if absolutely necessary.

4. Rebuild your support system - lean on trustworthy people who treat you well. Spend less time with people who remind you of the betrayer or situation.

5. Reflect on lessons learned - think about how to avoid similar betrayals in the future and how to build stronger boundaries.

6. Forgive for your own sake - forgiveness frees you from bitterness, though the betrayer may not deserve it.

7. Accept it and let go of "why" questions - dwelling on the past won't change it. Focus on moving forward.

8. Be patient with yourself - healing takes time. Don't rush the process or get discouraged if setbacks occur.

9. Reclaim your sense of self - engage in activities you enjoy to feel empowered as an individual separate from the betrayal.

10. Don't make hasty relationship changes - wait until emotions calm before making major life decisions like ending a marriage.

11. Find meaning and purpose elsewhere - commit to goals, values, hobbies that have personal significance.

12. Challenge negative thoughts - catch and dispute irrational beliefs that fuel hurt, like "I'll never trust again."

13. Let your anger out through physical activity - exercise, sports, hiking, etc. can help process intense emotions healthily.

14. Get support from a counselor - they can offer an objective perspective to work through feelings and rebuild trust in relationships.

15. Set boundaries and enforce them - be clear what treatment you will/won't accept from others going forward.

16. Focus on the present, not the past - dwelling on "what ifs" prevents moving on. Live consciously in the here and now.

17. Validate your worth isn't defined by others' actions - you are loveable as you are, with or without a specific person.

18. Express gratitude daily - appreciating life's simple blessings provides perspective beyond the betrayal.

19. Help others in need - acts of kindness boost self-esteem and shift focus outward.

20. Be patient with loved ones - they may say hurtful things as they process, so take breaks from interactions if needed.

21. Avoid people/places tied to betrayal - limit exposure to triggers that stir up intense emotions.

22. Practice mindfulness - activities like meditation, yoga and deep breathing help manage distressing thoughts and feelings.

23. Celebrate milestones - mark your progress, however small, to reinforce you are moving forward positively.

24. Challenge assumptions - test beliefs like "I'm unlovable" that fuel low self-esteem through logical dispute.

25. Find meaning through spirituality - connect to values greater than any one person through faith, nature, etc.

26. Track your mood - journaling patterns helps identify triggers and measure healing progress over time.

27. Set and respect your personal boundaries.

28. Avoid making rash decisions during intense periods of emotion.

29. Seek support from trusted friends and family members.

30. Consider professional counseling or therapy if you struggle on your own.

31. Limit or cut off contact with the person who betrayed you, at least temporarily.

32. Focus on personal growth and developing your own interests and hobbies.

33. Remember that how others treat you says more about them than you.

34. Practice self-care and stress management techniques like deep breathing.

35. Give yourself permission to feel angry or sad without judgment.

36. Remember that time is a great healer and that the pain will lessen with time.

37. Consider joining a support group to share experiences with others.

38. Forgive yourself as well as others for your own peace of mind.

39. Express your feelings through creative outlets like writing, art, or music.

40. Maintain a grateful attitude by counting your blessings daily.

Seeking Professional Help

It can be helpful to seek the guidance of a therapist or counselor who specializes in betrayal trauma. They can help you work through your feelings, build coping skills, and improve your self-esteem. Therapy can also help you identify any patterns in your relationships and develop healthier ways of relating to others.

Building a Support System

Having a support system of friends and loved ones can be crucial in the healing process. Surrounding yourself with people who care about you and support you can help you feel less alone and more understood. It's important to seek out people who are trustworthy and empathetic, and who won't judge you for what you're going through.

Self-Care and Compassion

Taking care of yourself is an important part of the healing process. This can include engaging in activities that bring you joy, such as hobbies or exercise. It can also mean practicing self-compassion, which involves treating yourself with kindness and understanding. This might mean giving yourself permission to take a break when you need it, or reframing negative self-talk into more positive and supportive messages.

Remember that healing takes time, and it's okay to take things one day at a time. Be patient with yourself, and try to focus on the things that bring you peace and happiness. With the help of professional support, a strong support system, and self-care practices, you can move forward from betrayal and build a more fulfilling life for yourself.

Dealing with Complex Emotions

Betrayal can trigger a range of complex emotions that can be difficult to manage. It is important to understand and accept that it is normal to experience a mix of negative feelings such as anger, fear, shame, guilt, and sadness. Here are some tips to help you navigate these emotions and move forward:

Navigating Anger and Sadness

Anger and sadness are common emotions that can arise after a betrayal. It is important to acknowledge and express these emotions in a healthy way. Holding in your anger or sadness can lead to increased stress and negative physical health effects. Try talking to a trusted friend or family member, or seek professional help from a therapist or counselor. Engaging in physical exercise, such as running or boxing, can also help release pent-up emotions.

Overcoming Fear and Shame

Betrayal can also lead to feelings of fear and shame. You may fear getting hurt again or feel ashamed that you were not able to prevent the betrayal. It is important to recognize that these feelings are normal and valid. Try to challenge your negative thoughts by reminding yourself of your worth and inner strength. Engage in self-care activities that promote positivity and self-love, such as taking a relaxing bath or practicing meditation.

Remember, dealing with complex emotions after a betrayal takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to feel and express your emotions in a healthy way. With time, you can overcome negative feelings and move forward towards healing and recovery.

Rebuilding Trust

Betrayal can be a difficult experience to overcome, but it is possible to rebuild trust with someone who has hurt you. Here are some steps you can take to help rebuild trust in your relationship.

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Setting boundaries is an important step in rebuilding trust after a betrayal. It can help you feel safe and secure in the relationship and prevent future betrayals. When setting boundaries, it's important to be clear about your needs and expectations and to communicate them openly and honestly with your partner. This can include things like setting limits on certain behaviors, such as not lying or cheating, or establishing clear consequences if those boundaries are crossed.

Strengthening Relationships

Strengthening your relationship is another important step in rebuilding trust. This can involve spending more quality time together, engaging in activities that you both enjoy, and working on improving communication and intimacy. It's important to be patient and understanding as you work on rebuilding your relationship, as it can take time to heal from a betrayal.

Forgiveness is also an important part of rebuilding trust. It's not always easy to forgive someone who has hurt you, but it can be a powerful way to move forward and heal. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting what happened or excusing the behavior, but rather letting go of the anger and resentment that can hold you back from rebuilding your relationship.

In addition, building secure attachments can help to strengthen your relationship and rebuild trust. This can involve working on building emotional intimacy, practicing active listening and empathy, and working on building a strong foundation of mutual respect and understanding.

Overall, rebuilding trust after a betrayal is a complex process that requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to work together to heal and move forward. By setting healthy boundaries, strengthening your relationship, and working on forgiveness and building secure attachments, you can begin to rebuild trust and move forward in your relationship.

Moving Forward

Betrayal can be one of the most painful experiences you can go through, but it doesn't have to define your future. Here are some tips to help you move forward after being betrayed.

Learning from the Experience

One of the most important things you can do after being betrayed is to learn from the experience. Take some time to reflect on what happened and why it happened. Ask yourself what you could have done differently, and what you will do differently in the future.

It's important to remember that betrayal is not always your fault. Sometimes, people make mistakes and hurt the people they love. However, by reflecting on the experience, you can gain insight into yourself and your relationships, and use that knowledge to grow and improve.

When to End the Relationship

If you have been betrayed by a romantic partner, you may be wondering whether to end the relationship. This is a difficult decision, and there is no right or wrong answer. Ultimately, the decision to end the relationship is yours.

If you do decide to end the relationship, it's important to be clear and honest with your partner about why you are ending things. This can be a painful conversation, but it's important to be respectful and compassionate.

If you decide to stay in the relationship, it's important to work on rebuilding trust and commitment. This may involve couples therapy or other forms of support.

Remember, healing from betrayal takes time, and it's important to be patient and kind to yourself as you move forward. Acceptance and growth are possible, and with the right support, you can emerge from this experience stronger and more resilient than ever.

Additional Resources and Strategies

Educational Materials

If you're looking to learn more about healing from betrayal, there are plenty of educational materials available. Consider reading books or articles, watching videos, or listening to podcasts on the topic. You may find that learning about the experiences of others can help you feel less alone in your own journey.

Journaling can also be a helpful educational tool. Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you process what has happened and gain new insights into your situation. Consider keeping a journal specifically for your healing from betrayal journey. You can use prompts or simply write freely.

Therapeutic Activities

In addition to educational materials, there are also therapeutic activities that can help you heal from betrayal. One such activity is therapy. A licensed therapist can help you work through your negative emotions and provide treatment for any underlying issues that may be contributing to your struggle.

Another therapeutic activity is practicing attachment theory. Attachment theory is the idea that our early relationships with caregivers shape our ability to form healthy relationships later in life. By understanding your attachment style, you can gain insight into how you relate to others and work to develop more secure attachments.

Finally, it's important to avoid denial. It's natural to want to avoid the pain of betrayal, but denying your feelings or pretending that nothing happened will only prolong your healing process. Instead, allow yourself to feel your emotions and work through them in healthy ways. Remember that healing from betrayal takes time, but with the right resources and strategies, you can move forward and find peace.

Use These 3 Simple Tools in Your Relationship: Conversations to Connect and Communicate Better as a Couple -

Build Foolproof Foundations For Stronger Connection in Your Relationship With These 3 Simple Communication Tools

As a relationship therapist, one of the most common issues I see couples struggle with is communication. Whether it's a lack of listening, misunderstandings, or not feeling heard - how we communicate with our partners has a huge impact on the closeness and quality of our relationships.

Over the years, I've found the conversation building techniques developed by Dr. Karl Albrecht to be incredibly helpful for couples looking to improve their communication skills. Dr. Albrecht was a pioneer in interpersonal communication research and his work, originally published in Psychology Today in the 1970s, laid the groundwork for more constructive dialog between partners.

At the core of Dr. Albrecht's approach are three simple yet powerful techniques - making a declaration, asking questions, and using qualifiers. When practiced consistently, these techniques can transform how couples connect and understand each other on a deeper level.

Making Declarations

The first step is making a clear declaration to your partner about how you see something or feel about a situation. This gives them insight into your perspective without immediately asking for their view.

For example, let's say you and your partner are trying to decide where to go for dinner. Instead of asking "What do you want?" you could make a declaration like "I'm really craving pizza tonight." This allows your partner to understand your preference up front before responding.

Making declarations prevents assumptions and helps ensure both parties are on the same page to begin the conversation. It's also important the declaration reflects how you genuinely see or feel about something rather than being a demand in disguise.

Jenna and Mark have been working on making more declarations in their discussions. Jenna shared "I noticed when we were out with friends last weekend, you seemed distracted on your phone a lot. It made me feel like you weren't fully present with me and the others." This helped Mark understand Jenna's perception without an accusatory tone.

Asking Questions

Once a declaration is made, asking open-ended questions is key to gaining understanding of another perspective. Questions that start with "what," "how," or "can you tell me more about..." invite the other person to openly share their thoughts rather than give a yes or no response.

Continuing the dinner example, after declaring her preference for pizza, she could ask her partner "What are you in the mood for?" or "What kinds of foods appeal to you tonight?" This shows she's interested in his viewpoint as well.

Lisa found asking more questions improved her conversations with her husband Dan. Instead of dismissing his concerns, she asked "Can you help me understand what's worrying you?" which allowed Dan to feel heard as he explained his perspective in more detail.

Using Qualifiers

Qualifiers provide context and help soften potentially sensitive topics. They show humility and create space for differing views rather than an "I'm right, you're wrong" mentality. Common qualifiers include "if I understand correctly," "it seems to me," "from my perspective," or "help me understand."

For instance, after Mark shared feeling distracted on their outing, Jenna could have responded with "It seems to me like you may have been engaging with others when on your phone. Help me understand your perspective." This qualifies her statement and leaves room for Mark to potentially provide additional context versus feeling immediately defensive.

When having a discussion about household chores, Sam used qualifiers like "from my view" and "correct me if I'm missing something" which helped ease tensions as his wife Emily countered some of his points. It showed he was open to hearing her side rather than needing to be right.

Practicing these techniques takes effort, and pays off tremendously in building understanding and intimacy as a couple. Declarations, questions, and qualifiers foster a cooperative "us versus the issue" mindset rather than a competitive "me versus you" one that plagues so many relationships.

When both partners feel truly heard without judgment, it creates psychological safety to be vulnerable, compromise when needed, and see multiple sides to any situation. Misunderstandings are less likely when each person feels their perspective has been acknowledged before a resolution is discussed.

Over time, these communication skills become second nature and lay the groundwork for respectful discussions even during more emotionally charged topics. Couples who have mastered this approach often comment how their ability to listen without reacting has brought them closer together through both good and challenging times.

Here are 20 examples each of qualifier statements, questions, and declarations that you can use to communicate in ways that build stronger connection.

Qualifier Statements:

1. From my perspective...

2. If I understand you correctly...

3. Help me see this from your point of view...

4. It seems to me that...

5. Correct me if I'm wrong, but...

6. I may be misunderstanding, please clarify...

7. To the best of my knowledge...

8. Based on what you've told me...

9. In my experience...

10. I could be mistaken, but it appears...

11. Perhaps I'm off base here, what do you think?

12. My interpretation is...

13. Allow me to rephrase to make sure I understand...

14. Please feel free to challenge my assumptions...

15. I want to fully understand your perspective, so...

16. From my limited viewpoint...

17. I may be missing something, help me understand better...

18. I could be way off, tell me your thoughts...

19. That's one way to look at it, another view could be...

20. Is it possible there are factors I'm not aware of?

Questions:

1. What are your thoughts on...?

2. How does this situation make you feel?

3. What concerns you most about this issue?

4. What do you need from me to feel supported?

5. What factors led to your perspective?

6. Can you help me understand your view better?

7. What assumptions may I be making?

8. What would be most helpful for me to know?

9. What have your experiences been related to this?

10. How can we work through this together as a team?

11. What are some potential solutions you see?

12. What would help you feel heard and validated?

13. What more can I do to show I care about your feelings?

14. What else do you need to fully express how you feel?

15. What are the main things driving your opinion?

16. What would make resolving this easier for you?

17. How do you think we can find a compromise?

18. What can I do to better support you through this?

19. What other factors am I missing here?

20. What do you need from me right now?

Declarations:

1. I'm feeling frustrated about...

2. Lately I've been worried that...

3. It's important to me that we...

4. A concern of mine is...

5. Something I value in our relationship is...

6. I wanted to share that I'm experiencing...

7. It's been on my mind that...

8. A goal of mine is for us to...

9. My perspective is...

10. I believe we should strive to...

11. It's important for you to know that I'm feeling...

12. A hope of mine is that we can...

13. I think it would help if we...

14. Something that's been bothering me is...

15. I feel strongly that communication is...

16. I want you to understand where I'm coming from...

17. It's clear to me that we need to...

18. A dream I have for our future is to...

19. A value I hold is being able to...

20. I believe understanding each other fully is key to...

I strongly encourage those looking to strengthen their relationship through better communication to try incorporating Dr. Albrecht's techniques on a regular basis. While it takes effort, the results of feeling truly understood and connecting on a deeper level with your partner makes it well worth it for a long and fulfilling relationship. With practice and consistency, these skills can transform how you interact and experience intimacy with each other every day.

How to Communicate Better as a Couple Using This Simple Technique: A Guide to Active Listening

Improving communication in a relationship can be challenging, but it is essential for building a healthy and happy connection with your partner. Communication is the foundation of any relationship, and without it, misunderstandings and conflicts can arise. If you're struggling to communicate effectively with your partner, you're not alone. Fortunately, there is a simple technique that can help you improve your communication skills and strengthen your relationship.

Active listening is a technique that involves fully concentrating on what your partner is saying, without interrupting or judging them. Active listening is not just about hearing the words your partner is saying; it's about understanding their perspective, emotions, and needs. When you actively listen to your partner, you show them that you value their thoughts and feelings, which can help build trust and intimacy in your relationship.

Implementing active listening in your relationship can be challenging at first, but it's worth the effort. By practicing active listening, you can improve your communication skills and reduce misunderstandings and conflicts in your relationship. In the next section, we'll explore how you can start using active listening in your relationship today.

Key Takeaways

• Communication is the foundation of any relationship.

• Active listening is a technique that involves fully concentrating on what your partner is saying, without interrupting or judging them.

• Implementing active listening in your relationship can help build trust and intimacy, reduce misunderstandings and conflicts, and improve your communication skills.

Understanding The Importance Of Communication

Communication is a fundamental aspect of any relationship, especially romantic ones. Effective communication can help build trust, strengthen emotional bonds, and resolve conflicts. On the other hand, poor communication can lead to misunderstandings, resentment, and even relationship breakdowns. In this section, we will explore the role of communication in relationships and the impact of poor communication.

The Role Of Communication

Communication plays a vital role in any relationship. It allows partners to express their feelings, thoughts, and needs. Good communication can help couples understand each other better, build intimacy, and strengthen their emotional connection. When partners communicate effectively, they can resolve conflicts, make decisions together, and create a shared vision for their future.

Effective communication involves more than just talking. It also requires active listening, empathy, and respect. When partners actively listen to each other, they can understand each other's perspective and respond appropriately. Empathy helps partners connect emotionally, and respect ensures that partners feel valued and heard.

Impact Of Poor Communication

Poor communication can have a detrimental effect on relationships. When partners don't communicate effectively, they can misunderstand each other, and conflicts can escalate quickly. Poor communication can lead to feelings of frustration, anger, and resentment. Over time, these negative emotions can erode the emotional connection between partners and lead to relationship breakdowns.

In conclusion, communication is a critical aspect of any relationship. Effective communication can help build trust, strengthen emotional bonds, and resolve conflicts. On the other hand, poor communication can lead to misunderstandings, resentment, and even relationship breakdowns. By understanding the role of communication and the impact of poor communication, you can take steps to improve your communication skills and build a stronger, healthier relationship with your partner.

The Simple Technique: Active Listening

Communication is key in any relationship, and it's especially important in romantic relationships. If you want to communicate better with your partner, one simple technique that can help is active listening. Active listening is a way of listening that involves fully engaging with the other person and paying close attention to what they are saying.

What Is Active Listening?

Active listening involves more than just hearing the words that your partner is saying. It requires you to be fully present in the conversation and to focus on what your partner is saying. This means giving your partner your full attention, avoiding distractions, and making eye contact. It also means being open and non-judgmental, and avoiding interrupting or finishing your partner's sentences.

To practice active listening, you should focus on the following:

• Pay attention to what your partner is saying

• Show that you are listening by nodding, making eye contact, and responding appropriately

• Avoid interrupting or finishing your partner's sentences

• Ask clarifying questions to make sure you understand what your partner is saying

• Paraphrase what your partner has said to show that you understand

Benefits Of Active Listening

Active listening has many benefits for couples. It can help you to:

• Build trust: When you listen actively to your partner, you show that you value their thoughts and feelings. This can help to build trust in your relationship.

• Improve communication: Active listening can help you to communicate more effectively with your partner. When you listen carefully, you are better able to understand their perspective and respond in a way that is constructive.

• Resolve conflicts: Active listening can also help you to resolve conflicts more effectively. When you listen carefully to your partner's concerns, you are better able to find a solution that works for both of you.

In conclusion, active listening is a simple but powerful technique that can help you to communicate better with your partner. By focusing on what your partner is saying and showing that you are listening, you can build trust, improve communication, and resolve conflicts more effectively.

Implementing Active Listening In Your Relationship

Effective communication is essential in any relationship, and active listening is a powerful tool that can help you improve your communication skills with your partner. Active listening involves not only hearing what your partner is saying but also understanding their emotions and perspective. Here's how you can implement active listening in your relationship:

Step-By-Step Guide

1. Give your full attention to your partner. Remove any distractions and concentrate on their words and emotions when they are speaking. Make eye contact, listen carefully, and refrain from interrupting.

2. Show empathy and understanding. Try to put yourself in your partner's shoes and see things from their perspective. This will help you understand their feelings and respond appropriately.

3. Paraphrase what your partner is saying. Repeat what your partner has said in your own words to show that you understand their message. This will also help you clarify any misunderstandings and ensure that you are on the same page.

4. Ask questions. If you are unsure about something, ask your partner for clarification. This will show that you are interested in what they have to say and that you value their opinion.

Common Mistakes To Avoid

1. Interrupting your partner. Interrupting your partner can be frustrating and disrespectful. It can also prevent you from fully understanding their message.

2. Focusing on your own thoughts and feelings. Active listening is about understanding your partner's thoughts and feelings, not just your own. Avoid getting defensive or dismissive of your partner's perspective.

3. Not showing empathy. Showing empathy is essential to active listening. It helps you understand your partner's emotions and respond appropriately.

By implementing active listening in your relationship, you can improve your communication skills, build trust, and deepen your emotional connection with your partner. Remember to give your full attention, show empathy, paraphrase, and ask questions. Avoid interrupting, focusing on your own thoughts and feelings, and not showing empathy. With practice, active listening can become a natural part of your communication style, and you and your partner can enjoy a more fulfilling and satisfying relationship.

Measuring The Success Of Improved Communication

After implementing the simple technique to improve communication in your relationship, it's essential to measure its success. This will help you determine if the technique is working for you and your partner and if any adjustments need to be made.

Positive Changes To Look For

One of the most immediate positive changes you can expect to see is an increase in understanding between you and your partner. By using the technique, you'll be able to express your thoughts and feelings more clearly, and your partner will be able to understand them better. This can lead to fewer misunderstandings and arguments.

You may also notice that you and your partner are more patient with each other. The technique encourages active listening and empathy, which can help you both be more understanding and compassionate towards each other.

Another positive change to look for is an increase in the frequency and quality of your conversations. By using the technique, you'll be able to have more meaningful and productive conversations with your partner. This can help you both feel more connected and satisfied in your relationship.

Long-Term Benefits

Improved communication can have long-term benefits for your relationship. By using the technique consistently, you and your partner can develop a deeper understanding and respect for each other. This can help you build a stronger foundation for your relationship and weather any challenges that come your way.

In addition, improved communication can help you and your partner grow and evolve together. By being able to express your thoughts and feelings more clearly, you can work together to achieve your goals and support each other in your individual pursuits.

Overall, by measuring the success of your improved communication, you can continue to refine and strengthen your relationship with your partner.

Additional Tips For Better Communication

Maintaining Openness

Maintaining openness in communication is essential for a healthy relationship. When you communicate openly, you create an environment where you and your partner can share your thoughts, feelings, and ideas freely. One way to maintain openness is to listen actively to your partner. This means giving them your full attention and acknowledging their feelings. When you actively listen, you are not just hearing their words, but you are also trying to understand their perspective.

Another way to maintain openness is to express yourself honestly. This means sharing your thoughts, feelings, and ideas with your partner without fear of judgment or criticism. When you express yourself honestly, you are being vulnerable, which can help build trust and intimacy in your relationship.

Respecting Boundaries

Respecting boundaries is another important aspect of communication in a relationship. Boundaries are the limits that each partner sets for themselves and their relationship. Respecting these boundaries shows that you value your partner's autonomy and are willing to work together to create a healthy relationship.

To respect boundaries, it is important to communicate openly and honestly about what you are comfortable with and what you are not. This means being clear about your needs and expectations and listening to your partner's needs and expectations as well. It is also important to be willing to compromise and find solutions that work for both partners.

In conclusion, maintaining openness and respecting boundaries are essential for effective communication in a relationship. By listening actively, expressing yourself honestly, and respecting each other's boundaries, you can create a healthy and fulfilling relationship with your partner.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are effective communication skills for couples?

Effective communication skills for couples include active listening, expressing feelings and thoughts in a non-judgmental way, using "I" statements, and being respectful towards each other. These skills can help couples to avoid misunderstandings and conflicts, and to build a stronger and healthier relationship.

What are the three methods for communicating better in a relationship?

The three methods for communicating better in a relationship are active listening, nonverbal communication, and using "I" statements. Active listening involves paying attention to your partner and responding in a way that shows you have understood what they said. Nonverbal communication includes body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice, which can convey emotions and attitudes. Using "I" statements means expressing your own feelings and thoughts instead of blaming or criticizing your partner.

What are the ways of communication between partners?

There are several ways of communication between partners, including verbal communication (talking), nonverbal communication (body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice), and written communication (texting, emailing, or writing letters). Each of these methods has its own advantages and disadvantages, and couples should choose the method that works best for them.

How can I improve my communication in a relationship?

You can improve your communication in a relationship by practicing active listening, using "I" statements, being respectful towards your partner, and avoiding blaming or criticizing them. It's also important to be open and honest with your partner, and to express your feelings and thoughts in a non-judgmental way. Finally, make sure to give your partner the opportunity to express themselves and to listen to what they have to say.

What are some signs of bad communication in a relationship?

Some signs of bad communication in a relationship include misunderstandings, conflicts, arguments, blaming or criticizing your partner, and avoiding communication altogether. If you notice any of these signs, it's important to take action to improve your communication with your partner.

How to have better conversations with your partner over text?

To have better conversations with your partner over text, make sure to use clear and concise language, avoid misunderstandings, and express your feelings and thoughts in a non-judgmental way. It's also important to pay attention to your partner's messages and respond in a way that shows you have understood what they said. Finally, make sure to avoid using text messages to have serious or important conversations, and to use other methods of communication instead.

Same Old Arguments - How To Stop Old Patterns That Pull Couples Apart

It’s frustrating when conversations with your partner turn into the same old arguments. Connecting without triggering each other can remain a challenge as breaking old patterns can lead to blame.

Please don't lose hope - with practice and patience, you can get there.

Let this be a roadmap of strategies that help you really listen to each other, manage your emotions, and have productive talks that strengthen your bond. Stick with it for a few weeks and you'll be amazed by the progress.

First, be mindful of timing.

Don't try to hash things out right before bed when you're tired, or first thing in the morning. Schedule talks for evenings after downtime or weekends when you have time. Plan for 30-60 minutes so there's no pressure.

Agree to take turns speaking

Set a timer and each talk without interruption for 2-3 minutes. Don’t interrupt, or cut the other person off. Really listen without getting defensive, or planning your come-back comment, when your partner speaks. Reflect back what you hear them saying to show you understand.

Taking a break

If one of you starts to feel upset, say so calmly. "I'm feeling angry/hurt right now and need a 5 minute break." Then take deep breaths separately until you've both calmed down. Rushing to "fix" things when emotions are high will just lead to more arguments.

Express feelings, don’t accuse

When you speak, say "I feel ___ when I hear ___ because ___" instead of accusations. Share your own emotions and experiences, not judgments of the other. Compliment each other's positive qualities too so criticism doesn't dominate.

Challenging Conversations

If a touchy subject comes up, agree to table it temporarily until you've both cooled off. Come back to it later when you can discuss it constructively. Leave time for connecting too - share something you appreciate or find a fun activity to bond over and end on a positive note.

How to Cultivate Deep Listening in Your Relationship

Listening is one of the most important skills for any healthy relationship, yet it is also one that many couples struggle with.

When conflicts arise, it is all too easy to fall into defensive patterns of trying to "win" an argument rather than truly hear your partner's perspective. This prevents meaningful connection and only serves to further distance you.

As a couples therapist, I have seen time and again how cultivating the ability to deeply listen to your partner is key to overcoming arguments and strengthening an emotional bond.

Let’s explore the importance of listening with empathy, maintaining emotional safety during discussions, and using specific techniques to engage in more productive conversations.

Understanding the Physiology of Conflict

According to research by relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, the greatest threat to relationship stability is contempt - an attitude of disgust and judgment towards one's partner.

When expressed during conflicts, contempt has been shown to trigger hormonal stress responses in the body.

It activates the same threat circuits in the brain as experiencing physical or social pain. This makes it very difficult to think clearly or listen with an open mind. It is crucial then to have discussions in a way that do not induce this threat response, rather promote feelings of safety and care.

Developing Empathy and Perspective-Taking

Taking a non-judgmental, curious approach to understanding your partner's viewpoint is key.

As psychologist Sue Johnson says, focusing on maintaining the emotional bond between partners is more constructive than trying to prove who is "right" or "wrong."

Active listening techniques like reflective statements and asking open-ended questions can help achieve this.

Reflecting back what your partner said without adding your own opinions shows you are actively listening to understand their perspective rather than just waiting for your turn to speak.

Asking questions like "what needs of yours feel unmet?" can help uncover the deeper issues beneath surface arguments.

Managing Emotions Effectively

Our emotions have physiological effects that can cause you to feel triggered, so managing them constructively is vital for real listening - not reactive comments.

When feelings like anger or hurt start to arise, it is better to take a brief pause than to try to continue talking. Going for a 10-minute walk or simply sitting quietly can lower hormonal stress responses in the body.

Speaking from the "I feel..." perspective rather than accusations also reduces defensiveness. Being attuned to your partner's emotional cues like tone of voice or body language and checking-in with them can help identify when they need a break as well.

Showing Respect and Accepting Influence

Partners in healthy relationships are not only attuned to each other emotionally, they also accept some level of influence from the other person. As Gottman noted, expressing some flexibility even if you disagree shows respect for your partner's perspective.

Avoiding attacks, sarcasm, or contempt are also essential. When disagreements happen, agree to respectfully hear each other out without interrupting.

Compliment each other's positive qualities as well to counteract any criticism. Expressing appreciation and affection helps maintain emotional safety.

Practicing Regularly

Long-held communication patterns can take time to change but with regular practice of these listening strategies, new habits can form. Set aside time a few evenings a week to check-in, share how you're feeling, and discuss issues while incorporating the discussed techniques.

Role playing conversations can also help in rehearsing responses. With an open, non-defensive attitude and a focus on understanding each other rather than being "right," you will be amazed at the progress.

Don't lose hope - stick with it and you will see arguments de-escalating into caring, productive discussions.

Summing Up

Deep listening is a skill that strengthens any relationship when practiced consistently. By maintaining emotional safety, developing empathy, managing discussions productively and showing respect, couples can have caring conversations even about difficult topics. With effort, these new habits will feel more natural over time. Use this guide to help you connect without triggering old argument patterns. Your relationship will grow even closer as you learn to truly hear each other.

Relationship Help

Practical relationship tools and advice for couples

Why Won't My Partner Listen to Me? Expert Insight and Solutions

Feeling unheard or ignored by your partner can be incredibly frustrating and can lead to a sense of disconnection in a relationship. If you're struggling with the feeling that your partner is not listening to you, it's essential to recognize that this issue is not uncommon and can stem from various reasons ranging from communication style differences to stress or unresolved emotions. In this article, we explore some of the common reasons why your partner might not be listening to you and tips on how to improve communication in your relationship.

Firstly, it's crucial to understand the difference between hearing and listening. Hearing is merely the process of receiving sound, while listening requires a genuine effort to understand, process, and respond to the information shared. Recognizing this distinction can help you identify whether your partner's lack of attention is due to a lack of active listening or simply not being present in the conversation.

Additionally, it's important to consider external factors that could be affecting your communication. It might not always be about your partner's unwillingness to listen but rather, they could be preoccupied with work, stress, or emotions from other aspects of their life. Taking the time to empathize with your partner's situation and exploring any possible distractions can help pave the way for a productive conversation.

Understanding Communication

Communication Styles

It's important to recognize that everyone has their own unique communication style. You and your partner might have different ways of expressing emotions or thoughts. To improve the way you both communicate, try to:

1. Be aware of your own communication habits: Observe whether you use more verbal or non-verbal methods to convey your feelings.

2. Identify your partner's communication style: Pay attention to their choice of words, tone of voice, and body language.

3. Adapt your style to match theirs: Modify your approach to meet your partner's needs and preferences to foster a better understanding between you both.

Keep in mind that effective communication is a two-way street.

Listening Skills

Active listening plays a crucial role in making your partner feel heard. Here are some tips to enhance your listening skills:

Technique Description Clarification If you're not sure about what your partner is saying, ask follow-up questions to clarify their meaning. Paraphrasing Reflect back your understanding of what your partner has said in your own words to show that you're listening. Empathy Validate your partner's feelings by expressing understanding and support for their emotions. Attentiveness Maintain eye contact, nod, and use verbal cues like "uh-huh" to show that you're engaged in the conversation.

Strengthening your listening skills ensures that your partner feels valued and understood, ultimately creating a deeper emotional connection between the two of you.

Identifying the Issue

Lack of Interest

Sometimes, your partner might not be interested in the topic you're discussing. It's essential to identify if this is the case to improve communication. Ask yourself:

• Does your partner have a general disinterest in the topic?

• Is there a history of them ignoring similar things?

To make your message more engaging, try to:

1. Connect your point to something they care about.

2. Use stories and examples to illustrate why it's relevant.

3. Offer a solution to a problem they may have.

Distraction

The world is full of distractions, and your partner might not be fully present when you're talking. Keep an eye on:

• External factors: noisy environment, electronic devices, or children.

• Internal factors: stress, fatigue, or emotional distractions.

To minimize distractions, try to:

1. Create a quiet and calm environment for conversations.

2. Choose the right time when your partner is more available and focused.

3. Bring your partner's attention back to the conversation by using their name or asking a direct question.

By identifying the issue, you can better understand why your partner might not be listening and work together to improve communication.

Psychological Factors

Emotional State

Your partner's ability to listen can be influenced by their current emotional state. When emotions are high, it can be challenging for the brain to process information effectively. Some emotions that might affect their listening skills include:

• Anger

• Sadness

• Frustration

• Guilt

In such situations, it's essential for you to be empathetic and patient. Give them time to process their emotions before engaging in communication.

Stress and Anxiety

Stress and anxiety can also play a significant role in your partner's listening capabilities. A high level of stress can narrow focus and limit the ability to retain information. Some signs that your partner may be experiencing stress or anxiety include:

Signs of Stress Signs of Anxiety Lack of focus Increased heart rate Irritability Constant worrying Forgetfulness Feeling restless

To combat this, try to create a calm and supportive environment for conversation. This could include finding an appropriate time and place to talk or actively problem-solving together.

Ego and Defensiveness

Lastly, your partner's ego and defensiveness may hinder their ability to listen. It's natural for individuals to want to protect their self-image. Some behaviors associated with this include:

1. Interrupting

2. Rejecting feedback

3. Making excuses

To help reduce defensiveness, approach conversations with an open mind, and avoid sounding accusatory. Utilize 'I' statements, as it makes communication more personal and less likely to trigger defensiveness. Express your feelings and thoughts while considering your partner's perspective.

Relationship Dynamics

Power Imbalance

A power imbalance in a relationship can cause one partner to feel unheard and misunderstood. Power imbalances may be caused by factors such as income, social status, or perceived position in the relationship. To tackle this issue, it is crucial to establish open communication and discuss these imbalances with your partner. There are four main steps you can follow:

1. Identify the source of the power imbalance.

2. Share your feelings with your partner.

3. Agree on possible solutions.

4. Reach a compromise that benefits both parties.

Keep in mind, these conversations might be difficult but addressing power imbalances can significantly improve the well-being of your relationship.

Patterns And Habits

Patterns and habits within the relationship can heavily impact how well your partner listens to you. Common issues may include:

• Interrupting: Speaking over each other and not giving one another the space to communicate freely can damage the conversation. Make a conscious effort to wait until your partner finishes speaking before you respond and encourage them to do the same.

• Avoiding Eye Contact: Eye contact is vital for meaningful communication. When discussing matters with your partner, maintain eye contact, and actively listen to their thoughts and feelings.

• Defensiveness: If your partner is overly defensive in conversations, it may hinder your ability to express your feelings effectively. Encourage your partner to remain open and receptive during discussions.

• Distractions: Eliminate distractions, such as phones, TV, or background noise, while having important conversations.

By identifying and addressing these patterns and habits within your relationship, you can create a more effective communication environment, fostering a healthier relationship overall.

Effective Communication Strategies

Assertive Communication

To improve communication with your partner, start by developing assertive communication skills. Assertiveness involves expressing your feelings, thoughts, and needs in an open and honest manner without violating the rights of others.

1. Use "I" statements: Speak from your own perspective. Instead of saying "you never listen," try "I feel unheard when you don't respond."

2. Be clear and specific: Avoid generalizations and clearly define your expectations. Instead of saying "you never help with chores," try "I would appreciate it if you could help with washing the dishes today."

3. Stay calm: Maintain a neutral tone of voice and remain calm, even when emotions run high. This will prevent conversations from escalating into arguments.

4. Practice empathy: Put yourself in your partner's shoes and try to understand their feelings and needs. This will help you communicate more effectively.

Dos Don'ts Use "I" statements Accuse or blame Be clear and specific Generalize Stay calm Yell or express anger Practice empathy Disregard your partner's feelings

Active Listening

Another essential aspect of effective communication is active listening. Active listening means fully concentrating on your partner's words, seeking to understand their message without judgment.

1. Give full attention: Look at your partner, nod, and maintain eye contact to signal that you are listening. Avoid interrupting or finishing their sentences.

2. Paraphrase: After your partner speaks, restate their main points in your own words to show that you've understood them. For example, "So, you feel frustrated because you think I'm not listening."

3. Ask open-ended questions: Encourage your partner to express themselves by asking questions that require more than a yes or no answer.

4. Reflect emotions: Identify and express your partner's emotions. For example, "It sounds like you felt hurt when I dismissed your opinion."

Keep in mind that active listening requires practice, patience, and consistency. The more you engage in active listening, the better you can understand your partner and improve your communication.

To sum up, adopting assertive communication and active listening skills are effective strategies to enhance your communication with your partner. Practice these techniques to ensure your conversations are more productive and meaningful.

Seeking Professional Help

Couples Therapy

Sometimes, issues in a relationship may feel too overwhelming for you and your partner to handle alone. In these cases, it's beneficial to seek professional help in the form of couples therapy. A licensed therapist can guide both of you through the process of identifying the root causes of communication breakdowns and working on effective strategies to improve your connection.

Therapists may use different approaches, such as:

• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), which focuses on strengthening emotional bonds.

• Gottman Method, which is based on research about the factors that make relationships successful.

• Imago Relationship Therapy, emphasizing shared growth and understanding.

Be sure to research and choose a therapist whose methods align with your needs and preferences.

Communication Workshops

Another option for improving communication in your relationship is attending communication workshops. These workshops often cover topics like active listening, assertiveness, and conflict resolution. Participating in a workshop can help you and your partner:

1. Develop a deeper understanding of your communication styles.

2. Learn new techniques for expressing your thoughts and feelings clearly.

3. Practice effective listening and empathetic responses.

Keep in mind that you may need to try different approaches to find what works best for your relationship. In the end, commitment and effort from both partners are essential in overcoming communication issues and strengthening your bond.

Conclusion

In the end, effective communication is the key to resolving the issue of your partner not listening to you. Here are some crucial steps to improve your communication skills with your partner:

1. Self-reflection: Consider your approach, the emphasis you give to certain statements, and the timing of your conversations. It can have a significant impact on your partner's receptiveness.

2. Active listening: Demonstrate genuine interest in what your partner is saying. This can encourage them to engage in your conversations with greater attention.

3. Use "I" statements: Speak from your perspective, acknowledging your feelings and needs, rather than accusing or blaming them.

4. Be clear and concise: Make sure you communicate your thoughts effectively and avoid overloading your partner with unnecessary information.

It's also crucial to address potential external factors that could be affecting your partner's listening abilities. Some of these factors could be:

• Exhaustion

• Stress

• Distractions

Remember, it's essential to approach your partner with empathy and understanding, as well as to be open to their feedback. By developing and utilizing these strategies in your relationship, you're bound to experience a significant improvement in communication and a stronger bond with your partner.

How Compassion Amplifies Loving Relationships: A Practical Guide

If your relationship is in trouble - start with Compassion - it’s the antidote to blaming and shaming.

Fast Action Take-Aways:

Here are some ways that showing compassion can amplify loving relationships:

1. Understanding each other's perspectives. Make an effort to see things from your partner's point of view, understand what they're going through, and how their experiences shape their reactions. This fosters empathy.

2. Being supportive during difficult times. When your partner is struggling, stressed, sad or upset, show compassion by listening without judgment, offering comfort, and helping in practical ways if needed. Your support will strengthen the bond of trust.

3. Forgiving mistakes graciously. We all say or do things we regret at times. Showing compassion by forgiving mistakes and moving on, rather than dwelling on errors, promotes a nurturing environment where people feel safe to be vulnerable.

4. Expressing care through acts of service. Do small thoughtful things for your partner like making their favorite meal, giving a back rub, or taking over a chore they dislike. Acts of service communicate compassion and caring.

5. Being patient with each other's flaws. We all have imperfections. Show compassion by accepting your partner as a whole person, flaws and all, rather than criticizing small issues. This breeds security, allowing the relationship to deepen.

6. Speaking to each other with kindness. Use a gentle, respectful tone even during disagreements. Criticize behaviors lovingly, not personalities. Compassionate communication prevents damage and fosters goodwill.

7. Making each other's well-being a priority. Check in regularly on how your partner is doing emotionally. Offer help meeting life's challenges out of sincere care and concern for their welfare, happiness and growth as a person.

What’s Important About Compassion?

Compassion plays a vital role in nurturing and sustaining loving relationships. It fosters empathy and understanding between partners, and encourages self-love and acceptance.

Are You Too Hard On Yourself?

While many people are quick to extend compassion to others, they often neglect to show the same kindness to themselves. Cultivating self-compassion, along with showing genuine care for one's partner, can greatly amplify the warmth and intimacy within a relationship.

In today's fast-paced world, it's not uncommon for us to be hard on ourselves – we’re bombarded with advertiser’s mindsets of ‘bigger, better, best’.

Leaving us feeling ‘not enough’ and developing beliefs that our efforts are worthless, leading to either complacency or a sense of ‘why bother’?

Perfectionism and stressing over minor setbacks have become the norm.

This constant pursuit of ‘being better’ can sometimes leave couples feeling unworthy of love as a shame (and shaming) cycle begins.

Perhaps, by applying a little self-compassion, couples can learn to be kinder and more patient with each other, which means healthier and more loving relationships and families.

How to Show Compassion In Your Relationship:

Here are 10 exercises that can foster empathy, understanding, and emotional connection with your partner:

1. Compliment Sandwich - Take turns giving each other a genuine compliment, followed by an area for improvement, and ending with another compliment. This balances appreciation with constructive feedback.

2. Share Without Judgment - Take turns sharing something you're feeling without fear of criticism. The listener reflects back what they heard without giving advice or opinions.

3. Daily Check-In - Ask each other how you're feeling using a scale and discuss what's influencing your mood, thoughts, energy levels that day.

4. Grateful List - Independently write 5 things you appreciate about your partner and share them out loud with each other.

5. Hug It Out - Set a timer for 2 minutes and embrace in silence. Focus on syncing your breathing and being fully present.

6. Empathy Interview - Ask each other questions and listen without interruption to understand their perspectives, values, hopes, fears, experiences and what makes them tick.

7. Love Languages - Discover and commit to speaking each other's primary love languages to meet emotional needs.

8. Comfortable Silence - Sit quietly together without any distractions and notice how you feel in each other's company without pressure to converse.

9. Quality Time - Schedule regular one-on-one dates to reconnect through activities you both enjoy like cooking together, going for walks, game nights etc.

10. Nonviolent Communication - When conflicts arise, focus the discussion on how an issue made you feel and how to meet needs, rather than attacking the other person.

While these exercises can be valuable, unless the couple makes a commitment to be more aware of their language and tone, then change may not happen.

Making a shared commitment to communicate more effectively, navigate conflicts with greater ease, and create a stronger bond built on mutual appreciation and respect means you’re both willing to do the work.

Understanding What Compassion is in Relationships

Compassion is the ability to feel and understand the emotional state of another person, and to respond with empathy, kindness, and support. It goes beyond simply feeling sympathy or pity for someone and involves a genuine desire to alleviate the person’s suffering.

In relationships, compassion involves being aware of your partner's feelings, needs, and struggles, and taking the initiative to address them with understanding and care.

Why Compassion is Vital in Love

Showing compassion to oneself and a partner has a swag of benefits in a relationship. Some include:

Increased emotional intimacy: Compassionate partners are able to connect on a deeper level, creating a stronger emotional bond.

Improved communication and conflict resolution: Practicing compassion fosters open, honest, and non-judgmental communication, which can resolve disagreements more effectively.

Mutual support: Compassionate relationships provide a safe and nurturing environment where partners can turn to each other for support during difficult times. In other words, your partner ‘has your back’.

Enhanced trust and security: When partners consistently respond to each other with compassion, it builds trust and a sense of safety within the relationship.

Greater satisfaction and longevity: Studies have shown that couples who cultivate compassion for one another report greater satisfaction in their relationships and are more likely to stay together in the long term.

By understanding and practicing compassion in a relationship, both partners can experience greater happiness, connection, and emotional well-being.

Start by Showing Compassion towards Yourself

Practicing self-compassion involves understanding and acknowledging your emotions, treating oneself kindly and not allowing self-judgment to interfere with emotional well-being.

Techniques for Self-Compassion

Mindfulness: Observe and accept your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Take time to practice mindfulness exercises such as deep breathing, meditation, or yoga.

Self-kindness: Replace self-criticism with self-compassion and understanding. Your ‘inner voice’ can be your worst friend. When you hear it’s negativity, remind yourself that you wouldn’t speak to a friend like that, so stop it in its tracks.

Recognizing shared humanity: Remember that everyone experiences difficult emotions and challenges, and you are not alone.

Some practical ways to cultivate self-compassion include:

• Keeping a gratitude journal

• Setting realistic expectations and goals

• Addressing negative self-talk by reframing it with positive affirmations

What’s the Impact of Self-Compassion on Well-being?

Emotional benefits: Developing self-compassion can lead to increased emotional resilience, healthier coping mechanisms, and a reduced risk of anxiety and depression.

Physical benefits: Research suggests that incorporating self-compassion into daily life may improve physical health, including lower stress levels and better sleep quality.

Social benefits: Practicing self-compassion contributes to stronger interpersonal relationships, as it enables individuals to form healthier and more supportive connections with partners and friends.

Showing Compassion to Your Partner

When couples integrate self-compassion into their relationships, it can enhance the quality and depth of the connection.

Ways to Show Compassion to Your Partner

Active listening: Pay close attention to your partner's feelings and concerns without interrupting, offering advice, or minimizing their emotions.

Empathy: Put yourself in your partner's shoes and try to understand what they are feeling, even if you don't necessarily agree or relate to it.

Offering support: Be there for your partner when they need help, whether it's emotional support or tangible assistance with tasks or challenges.

Validating feelings: Accept and acknowledge your partner's feelings as valid and valuable, even if you don't share them.

Apologizing when necessary: Own your mistakes and be quick to apologize when you've hurt or offended your partner. This shows that you respect their feelings and take responsibility for your actions.

Impact of Compassion on Relationship Quality

The act of showing compassion in relationships has several positive impacts on the overall quality and satisfaction of the connection:

Increased trust: Demonstrating compassion to each other builds trust, as both partners feel safe to express their feelings and needs without fear of judgment or criticism.

Improved conflict resolution: Showing understanding and empathy during disagreements helps to de-escalate conflicts and reach resolutions more easily.

Enhanced emotional intimacy: When partners feel heard and understood, they can fully open up to one another, strengthening the emotional bond between them.

Reduced stress and anxiety: Compassionate behavior reduces feelings of stress and anxiety in relationships, fostering a more relaxed and comfortable environment.

Greater resilience: When both partners show compassion during difficult times, it strengthens the relationship and makes it more resilient in facing future challenges.

Real-life Examples of Compassionate Relationships

Regularly practicing active listening: When one person is discussing their thoughts, feelings, or issues, the other person demonstrates their full attention and empathizes with what is being shared. This creates a supportive and understanding environment for their partnership to grow.

Regularly practicing gratitude towards each other: Make an effort to acknowledge and appreciate the positive qualities they see in their partner. By cultivating an attitude of gratitude, this couple strengthens their connection and fosters a loving atmosphere in their relationship.

There are also instances when couples put their partner's needs before their own. In these situations, one individual makes a conscious effort to care for their loved one, whether it be through helping with tedious tasks or providing emotional support during difficult times. This selflessness demonstrates true compassion for their partner.

Compassionate relationships involve open communication and vulnerability. Couples in these relationships feel comfortable sharing their emotions, insecurities, and dreams with their partner without fear of judgment. This enables them to deepen their connection and foster a mutual understanding.

Finally, practicing forgiveness is another hallmark of a compassionate relationship. When couples approach conflict resolution with empathy and understanding, it allows them to move past any disagreements and heal any emotional wounds. This ultimately creates an even stronger bond between them.

Conclusion and Future Recommendations

Practicing compassion for oneself and one's partner enhances the foundation of loving relationships. Through understanding and empathy, couples can achieve a higher level of connection and emotional support.

More Exercises to Practice:

"Loving-Kindness Meditation," consists of repeating phrases, such as "May you be happy, may you be healthy, and may you be at peace." Couples can do this together or separately, sharing their thoughts and feelings afterward to further deepen their bond.

Building and cultivating compassion between partners is a vital component for a strong and loving relationship. It not only strengthens emotional connections but also increases mental and emotional resilience. By incorporating regular practices and exercises, you can foster a more compassionate and supportive environment, creating a lasting and fulfilling partnership.

“Where Perfectionism Exists, Shame Is Always Lurking” — Brene Brown

Photo by Trarete from Pexels

Are you a ‘Recovering Perfectionist’, or simply can't face the shame of not being good enough?

Keep reading to discover 4 tools that will help.

Shame is hard to feel, to experience, to acknowledge — especially in oneself. Easy to see in someone else’s behavior. Deny in our own. Much easier to justify. Push back. Judge.

Perfectionism isn’t about feeling shameful, you may be thinking, so ask yourself why isn't what you do good enough?

Why do things have to be tinkered and fiddled with until the darn thing is broken?

While your conscious mind tells you it's because you can do better, your subconscious mind knows it's wiser not to put whatever you do out there because you'll feel ashamed of it, and then by extension, you'll feel shame for not being good enough to get it right.

It's warped isn't it?

According to Brene Brown, there's an antidote to all this.

Its empathy.

“Empathy says: You and I are made of the same lovely, heartbroken, and screwed-up stuff.” Anne Lamott, Almost Everything: Notes on Hope

Brown says that achieving excellence (in anything we do) remains elusive until looking inward and naming up our hesitancy to move forward. 

It’s not ‘what I do’ that isn’t good enough. It’s the ‘who I am’ that’s not acceptable. Brown says that in not naming up the emotion and dealing with it, we soften the blow by seeking perfectionism instead.

Sounds like we’re caught in a never-ending story of shaming and naming, covering our insecurities with the ‘It’s not perfect yet’ cover of perfectionism for our own insecurities.

Yep, that would be about right. 

It takes courage and gumption to go against the naysayers and stand up to the bullies in our lives that try to tell us our place — whether at work, in the family or in our relationships with those we love.

Surviving Shame Has More To Do With Courage Than Weakness

I’ve survived the bullies in my past who kept me playing small through shame. And this took courage that took years to build.

As we go through life, most of us get to hear similar messages from media/friends/family or colleagues:

• Be attractive. Be smart. Be popular.

• Seek wealth. Do what it takes. Never stop pushing yourself.

• Bust your gut. Deny tiredness. Bury stress.

• Don’t let your emotions get the better of you.

• And always … always pursue success — regardless of the cost.

It’s all part of the push for acceptance that feeds our core need to belong.

It’s easy to polish the image media culture wants us to buy into — the one splashed across magazine covers promoting the rich, famous and beautiful. The one promoted by upwardly mobile families. The one expected by companies if you want to get ahead.

And as a result, we’re a society trading bloated credit card debt, time poverty and overwhelm for reality.

Unwittingly we’re buying into the bigger, better, best scenario that ignores the person and chooses the darker shadow of unmet hope, disillusionment and outright shame of not being good enough if we don’t “have it all”.

Shame is a globalized phenomenon that’s promoting the pseudo crown of ‘success’, while hiding its true cost. 

And just like Covid, shame asks us to hide away and protect ourselves from what may just be terminal pain and rejection.

If you’re a man caught between two worlds — one being the harsh critic of bloke-culture prioritizing success symbols and power — the other being the relational sharing-caring connection your partner or family expects — you know how tricky straddling the divide is, and how few manage to survive.

If you’re a woman — shame may partner with envy, self-loathing and perfectionism. A never-ending whip of comparison checking, self-rating and self-shaming.

Brene Brown says it takes courage to be vulnerable and to admit feeling shame.

Courage??? Where do we find enough of that to put our hand up to feeling shame, when it’s easier to put up the pretty brolly of “I’m a perfectionist” — so therefore “I’m still working on it — you can’t call me out on that because I’m trying!”

How do we find the courage to call out the enemy lurking within? The one hinting that we’ll never be truly accepted, never really belong, never really be good enough for someone to love or accept?

Let’s see if we can unpack this.

Denying the power of judgement racked up through generations of patriarchal power pushing the ‘success banner’ at any cost can feel too overwhelming. 

It’s easier to see shameful behavior in others than to admit shame’s Trojan horse living within.

Yet, from how I see it, our shaming culture perpetuates the myth to hide from ourselves, convincing us to strive for things we didn’t even know we wanted, simply to keep pace, leaving us to pick at ourselves and point at our external measures of success. 

• Ashamed of showing our bodies if they’re less than buff. (Others will see excess kilos of cake, biscuits, sugar and alcohol along with the under-toned muscles of laziness and judge me for saying I want to get fit.)

• Ashamed of not being more successful. (Others may judge me for putting career and money ahead of caring for a family.)

• Ashamed of aging and the effects of gravity (it’s only those who can’t be shamed into wearing their wrinkles (or bat-wing arms) with pride that don’t buy into this — otherwise the anti-aging cosmetics market wouldn’t be worth 58.5 billion U.S. dollars and expected to climb at 6% per annum.

• Ashamed of failing in our relationships and waiting for friends to judge us as they choose sides of who was right and who was wrong.

Ashamed of not measuring up to an invisible standard we’ve created in response to the cultural myths we’ve unknowingly bought into.

Empathy is the Kryptonite of Shame

“What a liberating thing to realize that our problems are probably our richest sources for rising to the ultimate virtue of compassion.” Krista Tippett

• Empathy is not a marketable quality advertisers can sell. Empathy can only grow from within and radiate outward.

We cannot show true empathy to others unless we offer that same empathy and compassion to ourselves.

When we see ourselves in another’s dilemma, we can offer empathy for their pain, knowing that in our own private world we too struggle to offer ourselves the empathy needed to accept ourselves just as we are.

Shame will plunder morals and decay self-worth unless the compassion of empathy gets let in.

With empathy, true humility has the power to restore a values-based life. Through it we can balance self-acceptance with an awareness that we’re enough — just as we are. Without the need to be exceptionally beautiful/wealthy/talented/smart or successful that the marketing hype spends billions on, convincing us to buy into.

Our cultural symbols of expensive cars, large homes, latest-fashion clothing and wealth are covers for the pervasive power of shame-based not-good-enoughness.

Brene Brown Describes Four Ways to Move Through Shame

1. Understand Shame’s Triggers

Check in with your body and feel where in your body shame grips you most. For many people it’s in the chest or gut areas of their body. Pause for a moment to describe the feeling — the shape of it, whether it’s heavy or light, colour, density, movement. This is to help you associate with the feeling rather than push it down. Ask yourself (or the feeling that you’ve just described) what’s triggered it. Why is it there? What’s it trying to tell you. I encourage you to journal on this as journaling gives you the chance to discover more of what’s happening on a subconscious level.

2. Develop Critical Awareness

Name it, don’t shame it. Feel it, don’t bury it. 

Journal to find out what triggers it. Shame and perfectionism don’t survive well when being investigated. Are you meeting your own expectations or someone else’s? 

3. Seek Connection

While shameful feelings thrive in isolation, they reduce when sharing them with someone you trust. Shining a light on that which feels uncomfortable shrinks the internal story we can spin — sometimes until it’s out of control.

4. Listen For Empathy

Empathy isn’t ‘oh, you poor thing’. Empathy is a friend or partner with compassion and experience to relate closely to what you’re describing. Empathy thrives with awareness and the language to express yourself.

If you’ve found this article helpful, please share it. At times we all need a good dose of empathy and support.

Looking for more? Download free relationship tools.

Get your relationship tools at: www.schoolofmodernpsychology.com/relationship-tools

Barbara Grace is a relationship consultant helping couples rebuild emotional connection.

Self-justification Is A Costly Mistake In Relationships

Adobe Stock Image by Jorm S

We tend to judge others by their behavior and ourselves by our intentions. Albert F. Schlieder

Matt* walked into my therapy office looking confused. Possibly unsure what he really wanted out of the session.

Between his story of betrayal and deceit lay the age-old antidote of justification bolstered by outsiders’ opinions.

Justification of himself. Justification for his partner. Justification whether to stay. Justification whether to leave.

All this justification did was entrench Matt’s feelings of loss and confusion. And when feeling lost, any direction seems better than standing at a 5-way intersection with the words MAKE A CHOICE glaring at you in neon.

Justification is excuse making. It’s semi-apologies followed by ‘but’. It’s grandstanding based on blinkered views.

Justification is a trap.

French movies play with ‘justification’ nicely. The one I saw last weekend (Les Apparances — The Appearances) ended with the husband (a successful French conductor living in Vienna) justifying his philandering by accusing his wife of holding onto a relationship he’d buried long ago. 

As he said towards the end of the movie: 

You bore me. Any other woman would have divorced me. You want to live your perfect life. And I was another cog in it. It’s over.

That’s my summary of what he more eloquently said in French — via the subtitles.

The dictionary describes justification as: “the action of showing something to be right or reasonable”.

As a successful French conductor, he saw his right to meet his sexual needs as reasonable because his perfectionist wife bored him. The not so subtle sub-plot was her choosing a life filled with all the bling of a shallow showy existence based on gossip, surface-level relationships and grandstanding. 

She had her trophy husband. He had his mistresses.

At the end of the movie, when justification is seen for what it is: an immature excuse to be self-centered (often under the illusion of self-righteousness) — we (the audience) were led to believe the wife had finally woken up to the triviality of her existence. 

The closing scene shows her taking a fairy tale ride through Vienna in a horse-drawn carriage — reminiscent of childhood memories.

The metaphors of privilege and pretense live on.

French movies have a way of dissecting everyday concepts, like justification, and wrapping them in a moral lesson around indulgence, perfectionism and ultimately denial.

We, the audience, were free to choose our own ending (much like we do in life): 

• Was the protagonist finally awake to her shallowness?

• Or was the betrayed woman continuing her self-absorbed life through her own justification of grandiosity?

And so back to Matt. 

What I’m noticing more in my office, as I work with couples, are women who are done with justifying a relationship that’s resembling a discarded skin — like that of a lizard or snake — one whose inhabitants have long since grown out of it.

If I had to describe one thing that’s led to this change, it’s podcasts. 

Women are filling the spaces in their life with self-knowledge and awareness garnered through podcasts ranging from polyamory to gaslighting. It’s as if they’re seeing their lives through a new lens — and once they’ve seen it, they can’t not.

Unfortunately many couples miss the point that the container in which their relationship originally formed must grow — along with the inhabitants. To not see the need for personal and relational growth often leads one or both partners to look elsewhere for stimulation. Anything that numbs the repetition of a daily to-do.

That stimulation may not be in the form of another person. It may be through work, sport or friends — any area offering reward for investing time with the new and the novel. 

A time comes when justification simply doesn’t cut it. 

For some, justification will be replaced by overwhelm in trying to work out what’s happened to their once cosy life. 

Overwhelm usually comes with emotional spillage. It can feel like you’re watching a boiling stew on the stove spatter any possibility of rich gravy, leaving instead toughened meat so lacking in tenderness it’s unpalatable.

Couples caught in this dilemma have much soul searching to do. And that only happens after bruised egos stop being judgmental and brimming with justification.

Personal growth asks much from each of us. 

And just like some animals — shedding an exterior layer means growth can happen. In relationships — I like to think of that layer as our ego — the one whose perspective needs shifting.

Like humble water fleas, Amazon milk frogs and tree lizards — the lesson is clear: GROW, or remain stunted with justification used as a position of privilege.

We tend to judge others by their behavior and ourselves by our intentions. Albert F. Schlieder

Matt* walked into my therapy office looking confused. Possibly unsure why he was here or what he wanted out of the session.

Between his story of betrayal and deceit lay the age-old antidote of justification bolstered by outsiders’ opinions.

Justification of himself. Justification for his partner. Justification whether to stay. Justification whether to leave.

All this justification did was entrench Matt’s feelings of loss and confusion. And when feeling lost, any direction seems better than standing at a 5-way intersection with the words MAKE A CHOICE glaring at you in neon.

Justification is excuse making. It’s semi-apologies followed by ‘but’. It’s grandstanding based on blinkered views.

Justification is a trap.

French movies play with ‘justification’ nicely. The one I saw last weekend (Les Apparances — The Appearances) ended with the husband (a successful French conductor living in Vienna) justifying his philandering by accusing his wife of holding onto a relationship he’d buried long ago. 

As he said towards the end of the movie: 

You bore me. Any other woman would have divorced me. You want to live your perfect life. And I was another cog in it. It’s over.

That’s my summary of what he more eloquently said in French — via the subtitles.

The dictionary describes justification as: “the action of showing something to be right or reasonable”.

As a successful French conductor, he felt justified in meeting his needs because his perfectionist wife bored him. The not so subtle sub-plot was her choosing a life filled with all the bling of a shallow showy existence based on gossip, surface-level relationships and grandstanding. 

She had her trophy husband. He had his mistresses.

In the end, when justification is seen for what it is: an immature excuse to be self-centered (often under the illusion of self-righteousness) — we (the audience) were led to believe the wife had finally woken up to the triviality of her existence. 

The closing scene shows her taking a fairy tale ride through Vienna in a horse-drawn carriage — reminiscent of childhood memories.

The metaphors of privilege and pretense live on.

French movies have a way of dissecting everyday concepts, like justification, and wrapping them in a moral lesson around indulgence, perfectionism and ultimately denial.

We, the audience, were free to choose our own ending (much like we do in life): 

• Was the protagonist finally awake to her shallowness?

• Or was the betrayed woman continuing her self-absorbed view of life her way?

And so back to Matt. 

What I’m noticing more in my office, as I work with couples, are women who are done with justifying a relationship that’s resembling a discarded skin — like that of a lizard or snake — one whose inhabitants have long since grown out of it.

If I had to describe one thing that’s led to this change, it’s podcasts. 

Women are filling the spaces in their life with self-knowledge and awareness garnered through podcasts ranging from polyamory to gaslighting. It’s as if they’re seeing their lives through a new lens — and once they’ve seen it, they can’t not.

Unfortunately many couples miss the point that the container in which their relationship originally formed must grow — along with the inhabitants. To not see the need for personal and relational growth often leads one or both partners to look elsewhere for stimulation. Anything that numbs the repetition of a daily to-do.

That stimulation may not be in the form of another person. It can be through work, sport or friends — any area offering reward for investing time with the new and the novel. 

A time comes when justification simply doesn’t cut it. 

For some, justification will be replaced by overwhelm in trying to work out what’s happened to their once cosy life. 

Overwhelm usually comes with emotional spillage. It can feel like you’re watching a boiling stew on the stove spatter any possibility of rich gravy, leaving instead toughened and burnt meat so lacking in tenderness it’s unpalatable.

Couples caught in this dilemma have much soul searching to do. And that only happens after bruised egos stop being judgmental and brimming with justification.

Personal growth asks much from each of us. 

And just like some animals — shedding an exterior layer means growth can happen. In relationships — I like to think of that layer as our ego — the one whose perspective needs shifting.

Like humble water fleas, Amazon milk frogs and tree lizards — the lesson is clear: GROW, or remain stunted with justification used as a position of privilege.

• Matt is not his real name — yet he is representative of many men and women struggling to make sense of ‘shifts’ in their relationship.

Thankfully Matt left my office with more clarity — of himself and for his relationship.

His work is just beginning.

If you know someone who could benefit from reading this article, please send them a link.

Looking for more? Download free relationship tools.

https://www.schoolofmodernpsychology.com/relationship-tools

The Relationship War Room: How Raw Wounds Turn Us Into Warriors of Lost Causes

Ever asked your partner a question, made a request or commented on what they’re doing and watched them snap?

Crazy how something said so simply turned into a war.

(Interesting how the word ‘war’ when inverted becomes ‘raw’ …)

And this is it. From this raw space the angry child emerges, full of defense and blame. With you firmly fixed in their gaze.

How did you make sense of it?

Are they for real? What just happened?

You hear anger, feel rejection and see a side of your partner you don’t recognize. And in self-defense, you turn the lens inward, focusing on what’s come up in yourself rather than staying calm, then curious about their reaction.

So what just happened?

Your amygdala (the fear center of your brain triggering your fight/flight/freeze response) is protecting you. At a primitive level it’s telling you you’re not safe. It’s telling you to run (fast), defend yourself (fast) or freeze (fast) to block the painful emotions.

Our partner’s deeper thoughts and feelings are often invisible to us, yet laying dormant beneath a fragile surface that twitches when least expected. (True for ourselves as well.)

Each of us creates our own reality. We make sense of our personal histories and childhood memories. And in so doing create a meaning that may or may not be ‘true’. Yet it’s ‘true’ for us.

Past wrongs and rejections can simmer for a long time, repressed from conscious awareness until the person your partner cares most about in life (that’s you) triggers those raw (war) wounds again.

And as a couple you learn to dance to what will become a familiar tune of back-peddling and retreating, or the war room of anger and frustration. Unless you both choose to learn a new rhythm.

• How can the person you once thought of as your ‘soul mate’ now feel so alien?

• How can you feel so alone in your relationship, when once you understood each other so well?

• How can you make sense of this behavior and still stay in relationship when everything within tells you to get out?

The inner world we each have can be deep and murky — and often only discovered in relationship with someone we really care about.

In the therapy room (I’m a relationship therapist), I’m often asked whether it’s true that we find a partner who’s like our parents. In short, the answer is ‘yes’. Yet it’s more complicated than that.

A few decades ago I dated a man whose previous girlfriends were similar to me. I didn’t really see how similar until the relationship ended and then saw him out socially with the next one.

We all could have been sisters. Similar size, similar style, similar energy. And then I saw his mother in a new light. We were all mini versions of her. And as I realize now from the distance of decades, he held many unresolved issues with his mother. Subconsciously he took his unresolved history and punished each of us ‘sisters’ in the way he wish he could have his mother.

I’m not saying we find someone who looks like our mother or father, though that can happen.

We’re attracted to someone who has both positive and negative aspects of our parents or caregivers. The person we choose is in some way a mirror image of them.

Each of us are works in progress — ever evolving. Beautiful portraits forming as we understand our needs more — particularly any unmet needs from childhood.

One of the most challenging, yet necessary things relationships need is a deep awareness of your partner’s trigger points — those ones whose genesis can often be found in childhood.

Whether that’s a feeling of being abandoned, feeling ignored, unwanted, blamed without cause, dismissed, overlooked, unloved or mistreated gives rise to a child’s internal response. The parent or caregiver’s actions seed our future relationships often before the age of seven.

This doesn’t mean you or your partner are broken and doomed forever because of unmet childhood needs.

It does mean that while parents did the best job possible, they could only do so much, only be present to our needs to the extent possible inthe busy life of raising children and trying to hold it all together. And in this space of busyness some things (including childhood sadness and loss to events that happened — or didn’t happen) may get missed.

Sometimes parents are over-stretched emotionally. Workahol-ism feels a necessity to keep the family afloat. And in these times parents fall back on their old patterns learned from their parents.

Generational cycles of coping, of dysfunction, of raw wounds gone unhealed.

If you’ve grown up in a home that you now see as dysfunctional, then emotional wounds may need deeper healing to build trust and emotional connection again with the person you’ve chosen as your partner.

The previous partner described earlier abused his partners by cheating, lying and emotionally manipulating them.

His father was an alcoholic. His mother a workaholic.

When his father died, as the eldest son he wanted to help — yet from what I understand, his mother rejected it. She replaced her loveless marriage through affairs with unavailable married men. Her two sons grew up in an emotionally disconnected world — first by an alcoholic father, then by an absent mother.

As a young man, his mother prepared him for work with one set of clothes. Day in, day out, he wore them for a year before a colleague advised him to invest in a few more items.

He felt deep shame — and blamed his mother for not investing more in him. In his 30’s and 40’s he worked on restoring his broken self-esteem by belittling and punishing women he partnered — all of whom had an uncanny resemblance in spirit, looks and style to his mother.

Few men receive the skills to communicate how they feel. They squash painful needs for acceptance between hard bones of denial.

When things go wrong in relationships, most listen with filtered intent — either to make things right again or reinforce the belief that little is going to change with the relationship’s current state.

And that’s because couples try fixing problems they don’t understand the genesis of. With tools they don’t yet know exist.

Most start with logic. Make assumptions. Blame the other. Claim innocence. Feel wronged. Believe they must make amends.

These strategies usually get people into deeper warfare as assumptions are blind spots and logic alone usually keeps people inflexible and defensive.

Do you have a choice in how you react to your partner’s emotional wounds?

Yes. Though it may feel counter-intuitive initially.

It all starts with flexibility — emotionally and mentally:

• By shifting focus from yourself to your partner.

• By being more curious about what’s happening to your partner on an emotional level.

• By seeing the bind you’re caught in when repeating the same patterns.

• By asking questions in the hope of understanding more.

Insight into your partner comes from awareness that arises because you’re paying attention.

When you set an intention to understand your partner more, then curiosity is a natural response in connecting more honestly.

Start by asking:

• What part of your partner are they protecting?

• And from whom?

• What are their motives for acting this way?

What stands in your way from doing this?

Our ego can lead us to act with self-righteous blinkers, rarely considering curiosity as an option when our own emotions feel raw.

Ego feels more at home wearing a cloak of judgement, than a veil of vulnerability.

People make sense of what they see and hear through distorted lenses. From past experiences, old stories bought into, outdated belief systems and emotions that feel so strong they can’t believe could possibly be wrong.

These are no more than assumptions based on our own way of making sense of things. And behind our own blinkered walls of awareness we can inadvertently flick a trip wire around events and emotions left dormant and tethered to the past.

It’s as if in an untimely moment you unintentionally bait a fresh hook, and in the process snag your partner’s raw wound. And in doing so start another war.

How could we know?

We couldn’t.

• What you can do is go on a discovery tour of what old wounds may still be raw.

• What you can do is note how those raw spots need more tenderness than you may have realized.

• What you can do is lead with compassion, a little more lee-way and a lot more awareness.

Key things to do:

• Listen without judging

• Remove defensiveness

• Apologize for what you may have done (even if you don’t see it)

• Speak in a gentle tone

• Make sure you’re sitting beside or lower (not above) to reduce any threat sensations

• Ask to talk about it later (so your partner’s limbic system can calm)

While this may sound simple to do — it’s anything but. If partners both choose to lead with tenderness, awareness and curiosity, then much can be achieved.

It’s a choice to grow relationally, just like it’s a choice to remain in a personal war room filled with raw emotions.

If you know someone who could benefit from reading this article, please send them a link.

Looking for more? Download free relationship tools.

https://www.schoolofmodernpsychology.com/relationship-tools

Is your partner happy? Or are you too relationally blind to notice …

If eyes are the window to a person’s soul, then a partner’s face is the marble arch to their feelings. 

Most people’s faces give clues: 

• Tautness of facial muscles — especially around eyes and mouth

• Clenching of jaw

• Thinning of lips

• Slight changes in facial color and skin tone

• Lips down-turned.

And this facial tension then ripples through the body with shoulders and muscles tight. Add in a low tone of voice and slower movements — and those who notice see that something’s not right.

You can guess at what your partner is feeling and snag an assumption — if you’re taking notice.

You may get it right. You may even believe your mind-reading abilities mean you don’t need to ask what’s wrong (especially if you think you’ve heard it all before).

Yet, this is what lets couples down. 

Not noticing or not checking in to hear what the other is feeling. Dismissing this scene is a sure route to relational blindness and disconnection.

Relational blindness can be a strategy if you hate arguing or simply hope the problem will ease given enough time. Or it may just be that you simply don’t know what to say or do — so best not to mess with what you don’t understand.

You may wonder whether learning better communication will help.

It can.

But learning a few skills isn’t deep enough work to get the lasting results needed to keep a relationship on track.

Ever climbed Everest? Me neither. The documentaries are enough to show me I don’t have what it takes.

Imagining an Everest climb can be like talking to your partner about how they’re feeling. For the unprepared, it’s all ice cold and uphill with an inevitable white storm about to close in.

And just like any long climb — much self learning is needed before starting, while on route and when reaching your summit.

Relational blindness often comes with a superior-toned inner voice that if said out loud sounds more like judgement, blame, or at times contempt.

Here’s a sample:

You see your partner’s mood and mentally note: ‘Why can’t they just get on with things.’ ‘Why do they have to be so needy.’ ‘Why does everything have to be a drama.’ ‘What have I done wrong now.’ ‘Can’t I just have a break.’ ‘There’s always something with you.’ ‘What now.’

These are thoughts of contempt, the ones Dr John Gottman says are the single most telling death clues of relationships. 

Fear of Disappearing

Women who come into my office (I’m a relationship therapist) often say similar things. It’s like they’re reading from the same unhappy partner quote book. (It’s one I’ve read from myself in days gone by). 

Their greatest concerns are not being noticed, not being heard by their partner, being taken for granted and not having rich and meaningful conversations. Beneath these concerns is the unsaid hope they won’t disappear into a relationship like their parents have. Unhappy, voiceless, invisible.

Motivation begins within

Learning better communication is an external skill that only works if it has an internal genesis. Motivation for change that comes from within is more powerful than only learning language techniques designed to calm one’s limbic system.

Change starts by stopping the blame and shame internal monologue. The stuff that’s creating a judgmental one-up position towards your partner. The stuff that goes on so often you probably don’t even know it’s playing constantly in the background of your mind — until you take notice.

Take an honest look at yourself. A real review of your unchecked mind. And instead of letting it feed you a grandiose version of yourself that’s always at the ready to reach for the blame-filled flame-thrower — the one capable of torching any conversation before its first breath with a contempt-style comment — STOP.

CHECK IN WITH YOURSELF. BE YOUR OWN CENSOR. SHIFT GEAR. PAY ATTENTION. 

Unfortunately couples wait until their relationship is on its last gasp before seeking life support.

And if both are ready and willing to shift their emotional and mental dynamics, training can start. With luck we’ll make it to Base Camp before dark.

When couples are prepared for their own Everest Trek—their first milestone is to set an intention.

An intention that’s co-created together — one that:

• Puts the relationship first — above all else (work, friends, children, family, hobbies) — this doesn’t mean you’re tied at the hip to each other.

• Creates strategies to keep each other safe and secure (especially around the biggies: money, sex, trust and housework)

• Tunes-in to both person’s needs (think variety, feeling special, loved and cared for)

• Plans for richer conversations than ‘what’s for dinner’ and ‘what’s on TV’ (eg values, plans, dreams, hopes)

• Prioritises intimacy through kissing, cuddling, eye contact and compliments.

Intention setting only works if both invest time and energy. If it’s left to one person to do the heavy lifting — no oxygen mask or life support system will help.

Relational blindness is a disease affecting too many young men I see in my office.

Young men often believe their partner is happy — or at worst content with what they’ve got. They’ve made an assumption between the routine ‘what’s for dinner’ and ‘what’s on TV’ conversation without actually asking how their partner feels.

Many feel deep shame when hearing what they’ve ignored or missed — often for years. 

I see their sadness in how blind they’ve been — and how they’ve treated their partner in a similar way to how they may have been treated as a child.

Many men struggle to express feelings because they don’t know how. Our mainstream culture hasn’t been good at rewarding men who have a vocal heart.

In fact, the most common phrase I hear in the office is: ‘I’m not good with words.’

Often these young men have been raised in families where being a boy meant hearing things like ‘don’t throw like a girl’ and ‘that’s enough sooking’.

They’ve received ‘bro’ hugs and slaps on the back rather than the richness and warmth of bonding that should come with a father-and-son connection. Some have been over-mothered to the point they’re incapable of caring for themselves. Others become entrenched in a male culture confirming the priority of beer, bets and buddies.

The men I work with are generally ill-prepared for relationships. 

On the whole they’re good men — just relationally blind.

And it’s not until a wake-up call happens that they reel in horror — as if seeing their ignorance through their partner’s eyes for the first time.

Emotion in men runs deep. Of that I know.

• They care more than they admit.

• They want intimacy.

• They desire to be known.

• They hope to be the father to their children they may not have known themselves.

• They crave to be loved for who they are — not the money they earn.

• They need the things all humans do — connection.

Yet, how can they get this when they’ve been raised with disconnection at their core?

Often raised in families where talking about their needs wasn’t encouraged, surviving warring parents who stole their childhood, or enduring a family that wasn’t coping with life’s stresses, causing them to feel ignored.

Some young men know nothing but disconnection.

For too many men, alcohol and drugs become a respite from the protective shield they’ve erected in the attempt to hide themselves.

In this temporary respite they seek answers to what they consciously avoid:

• Who on earth am I?

• What do I even want out of life?

• Why don’t I feel anything?

• What am I trying to prove?

Relationships are works in progress — rarely complete. And that’s because growth and discovery is the only path to a richly rewarding connection with a partner we can truly be present with.

Just like climbing Everest — the real discovery is about oneself, rarely the rarefied air.

So what’s the answer?

If ‘getting in touch’ with yourself sounds too airy-fairy — you’re right.

The first step is asking your partner whether they’re happy. Follow this with ‘What can we do to make things better?’ 

Then, make an appointment to see a relationship specialist so you you never see your partner walking out of your life because of relational blindness.

Join the mailing list and receive 6 free tools designed to help your relationship.

https://www.schoolofmodernpsychology.com/relationship-tools

Your Relationship Story: Martyr, Victim, Hero???

Are you choosing a martyr story over a hero narrative?

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“There were people who went to sleep last night,
poor and rich and white and black,
but they will never wake again.

And those dead folks would give anything at all
for just five minutes of this weather
or ten minutes of plowing.

So you watch yourself about complaining.

What you’re supposed to do
when you don’t like a thing is change it.
If you can’t change it,
change the way you think about it.”
― Maya Angelou

Photo by Nghia Do Thanh on Unsplash

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How you’re turning up in your relationship has a lot to do with the story you’re selling yourself. 

A Few Quick Questions Before We Start: 

• Do you (or others) see you as a martyr, a victim or a hero in your current relationship (with your partner, parent, colleague, friend or child)?

• Who is the ‘you’ that’s turning up in your relationship?

• What’s important about being the ‘character’ you’ve become?

• Who taught you to be like this?

• What never-ending story have you bought into — the one where people-pleasing leaves you feeling resentful and like a victim, or a hero making positive personal choices?

We’re the hero in our own lives — the central character in a life plot of which we don’t yet know the ending.

What’s A Hero?

I don’t mean Daniel Craig in the latest Bond movie. I mean a character whose life journey has rounded and grounded them.

Do you ever wonder if we’re part of some master plan playing out in unpredictable ways — whether we like it or not? Tossed by life’s storms? As if we’re hapless creatures caught in a swinging-door world?

Or do you believe we’re the makers of our destiny making conscious choices so we show up more authentically in our relationships and lives? And as a result take the consequences we’ve sown?

It depends on which story line you subscribe to.

click here to receive tools to build your relationship

Are You Living In A B-Grade Movie Plot?

“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.”
― Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here for?

If you enjoy movies, you’ve probably noticed most share a similar story structure:

• Protagonist living in an ordinary world — following routines, wading through the daily grind, feeling numb, not good enough to be noticed, hypnotically bound to rules, living in a state of disengagement from people who should matter more in their lives and existing like a robot with one day following the next.

That’s the scene BEFORE SOMETHING BIG SHAKES UP THEIR LIFE.

That ‘something big’ jolts them into standing up for their beliefs, their values, their right to defend against the unjust. Even if reluctantly at first.

• The main character stumbles and loses something valuable to them (relationship, job, money, friends, trust) and then begins a search for redemption.

• The chance to resolve the predicament takes the protagonist on a long journey (externally) until they eventually discover the truth (internally).

• You’ll see this person move from flawed character to redeemed hero after stumbling into an opportunity disguised as a problem.

• Eventually the protagonist enters a different reality — one of their own conscious choosing. Consequences and all.

Yet unlike the movie character, when moments of choice come knocking on our own door — we have the choice to choose change (so we can become a stronger character) or close the door quietly and return to the story we’ve told ourselves.

It’s an age-old story structure used from the Wizard of Oz to Star Wars.

In writer’s language it’s known as “The Hero’s Journey”.

What the Hero’s Journey Looks Like In Real Life

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.”
― Andy Warhol, The Philosophy of Andy Warhol

The Hero’s Journey is also a story arc couples unknowingly describe when sharing relational problems in my office.

The ordinary world they’re living in feels intolerable.

Something has shifted, waking one (or both) up.

And instead of closing the door gently and denying the chance to change, they embrace it knowing that staying the way they currently are doesn’t work any longer.

• Some describe it as feeling disconnected from the other.

• Feeling they’ve lost any emotional spark.

• Conversation feels predictable.

• At best, they’re house mates.

Ultimately, they’re describing life as the principal character in Ground Hog Day.

And they’re right.

Doomed to repeat the same mistakes again and again, knowing things will end badly unless something shifts.

I Know This Story …

“I have accepted fear as part of life — specifically the fear of change… I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back….”
― Erica Jong

If I look back on my own life, I know this relational story arc well.

Nothing shifted in me until I took personal responsibility for changing how I showed up in my relationships.

It was a choice to continue blaming my ‘other’, continuing the charade, wishing things were different in the victim role I was playing.

It became a choice to face the fact that nothing could change without me changing.

I had to learn the simple truth that change comes from within.

The desire for my partner to change only meant I was rejecting my personal responsibility to choose my life story — my pathway — and ultimately respect for myself through conscious choices.

Blame only took me so far. Usually only to friends whose shoulders I cried on.

The fairy tale of love, care and respect I’d grown up with needed replacing with a more modern tale like the Paper Bag Princess (it’s a great children’s story worth reading).

I needed to be the protagonist making positive choices, rather than choosing a supporting role in someone else’s life and bearing the consequences.

I had to choose not to react to someone else’s plot twists.

I had to choose not to be the one cleaning up the emotional fallout.

Stories Are Compelling

“We are taught you must blame your father, your sisters, your brothers, the school, the teachers — but never blame yourself. It’s never your fault. But it’s always your fault, because if you wanted to change you’re the one who has got to change.”
― Katharine Hepburn, Me: Stories of My Life

Stories can hook us in. Especially those with an 8-season multi-episodic cliff-hanging drama designed for binge watching.

Yet in watching these compelling stories and peering into another’s life our personal stories can be jolted into action.

This week I received an automated email from Victoria Labalme, an actor turned public speaker.

In it she quoted this:

“There’s a famous play by Thorton Wilder called “OUR TOWN” and my favorite line comes from the character of a young girl (Emily) who says at one point, “Do human beings ever realize life while they live it?
— Every, every minute?”

A simple observation.

Especially telling when heard through the eyes of a child who hasn’t yet bought into an old plot where submerging dreams just to fill-in the busy must-do life of those around us morphs into a lifetime’s priority.

This pandemic has given each of us an opportunity to look internally. To spend time with family — and deal with the boredom of it or embrace a fresh connection.

To be present in our own lives as an active participant.

Yet I wonder how many among us are actively engaged in the story we’re continuing to mindlessly star in.

TV ads Sell Our Stories in 15 Second Grabs

“You cannot change what you are, only what you do.”
― Philip Pullman, The Golden Compass

Marketers craft ads as psychological ploys that with repetition cause us to solve problems by reaching for their ready-made solutions.

Ads work because they cause an emotional response that enters our memory and, at the right time, presents itself as a preferred solution when we need to purchase a certain product.

If you watch any form of media — from YouTube to Instagram, Netflix to free-to-air, radio to podcasts — advertisements now form unconscious micro story-arcs in our lives.

Those 15-second advertising snippets know how to give us what we often feel is missing in our own lives:

Connection to a beautiful lifestyle owned by glamorous people who live fulfilled lives.

The underlying nerve that’s triggered for us is one of psychological safety. The idea that we can have that life if only we buy that product.

And in so many ways we do.

We buy into our movie character’s lives, living a vicarious existence to pacify a desire to be the hero in our own lives.

Yet few of us would willingly take the journey needed to be that hero.

Why?

Because it means getting out of old sloppy comfort zones that feel like those super comfy PJ’s with loose elastic and instead get out our active wear so we’re ready to move.

• And this means choosing not to settle for the mundane.

• It means accepting consequences if things don’t work out.

• It means learning new skills.

• It means pushing boundaries.

• It means resisting the desire to play small and be invisible.

• It means doing things differently.

And. This. Is. Scary.

That’s why we can watch our protagonist make mistakes, envy the outcome they create and still retreat from a movie with our same-same lives in-tact.

Ready-made solutions, pre-packaged for an easy life.

Life issue solved. Thinking optional.

Simple. Repetitive. Actions. Designed. To. Dumb. Us. Down.

And this leads to …

Our Need For Safety

“Every woman that finally figured out her worth, has picked up her suitcases of pride and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the valley of change.”
― Shannon L. Alder

When it comes to feeling safe, we’re hard-wired to act in predictable ways. For most, physical safety is a right protected by law.

Emotional and psychological safety feels like another thing altogether.

Anyone who feels safe to express themselves without fear of repercussion has the confidence to take risks, make mistakes, question outmoded belief systems and explore alternative options.

This is what psychological safety enables us to do.

In 2016 Google ran a 2-year study (Project Aristotle) suggesting their highest-performing teams across all divisions of the Google company also experienced a high degree of psychological safety.

• These teams felt safe to include random ideas in brainstorming sessions, knowing they weren’t being judged,

• they shared common goals,

• practiced emotional awareness,

• were open to having difficult conversations,

• gave empathy,

• offered equal airspace to share thoughts,

• took smarter risks,

• made mistakes and

• were open and candid with each other.

If you don’t set boundaries that keep you psychologically safe and able to have your core emotional needs met — then you’ve given away your power — and lost self-respect in the process.

Ouch.

• Maybe that hurt. Maybe you’re feeling some emotion.

• Maybe you know someone who needs to read this.

• Maybe it reminds you of earlier times in your life.

Why Psychological Safety Is Important

“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.”
― Eckhart Tolle

If you’re experiencing a relationship that doesn’t have psychological and emotional safety at its core, then you may find yourself calling for help in ways that don’t seem to reflect the heart of the issue.

• You may be experiencing health issues.

• You may notice low moods that are difficult to shift.

• You may feel as if you’re drained and there’s no energy left.

• You may notice resentment building.

• You may notice more stress being carried in your body.

• You may feel as if you can’t do anything to change the story you’re living in.

• You may find yourself shopping more for needless items

• You may seek out status symbols (car, branded clothing, latest gadget) so ‘others’ see you as more successful than you feel.

To begin changing your story, you need to choose you. Knowing what you want is core.

“And that is how change happens. One gesture. One person. One moment at a time.”― Libba Bray, The Sweet Far Thing

It’s easy to say what you don’t want, or what you don’t like — yet what is it that you do want?

And to do this means giving yourself permission for you to be the person you want to be in your life — not a photocopied version that’s fading further as each year goes by.

How can you do this?

“Anger, resentment and jealousy doesn’t change the heart of others — it only changes yours.”
― Shannon Alder, 300 Questions to Ask Your Parents Before It’s Too Late

The more you focus on problems, rather than solutions — the longer you’ll stay stuck. And the longer you’re resisting your own Hero’s Journey.

If you’re in a relationship that’s feeling a bit Ground Hog Day-ish, take a note from a story writer’s tip book and create a character.

While the character will be you (ultimately) — don’t personalise it too soon. Write down the character traits you’d most like to see in yourself.

This could be courage, heart or brains — the ultimate trio from the Wizard of Oz. Character traits that the Lion, Scarecrow and Tin Man, each had, yet needed challenging before emerging.

Using these three elements (courage, heart, brains) sends a simple, yet powerfully positive message to your subconscious and the part of you that knows can choose a well-crafted life — if you choose to.

Take this seriously, think about it. Dream it. Write it in your journal. And then when you’re done thinking and dreaming — live it.

It doesn’t matter whether you and your partner (or you if you are single) are at the start of your relationship or have been together 50 years.

Each of us continues our journey — our own Hero’s Journey.

And it’s in this space that we continue crafting the ‘who’ that turns up as our authentic self in our relationship, at work and for our families and friends.

Learning and personal growth doesn’t have a time limit or an age limit.

It’s a forever story.

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As always, I love hearing from people who read articles.
What resonated for you here?
I’d love to know, (Barbara Grace)

Send me a message at barbara@schoolofmodernpsychology.com

How Love Thrives With Gratitude

Top 7 Gratitude Habits Loving Couples Thrive On

What can you do when your relationship becomes complacent? Passion withers? Conversations feel stale? Scrolling social media posts replaces connecting?

If this is happening in your relationship, you’ve got a pretty good idea where it's is headed.

And while holidays, date nights and spicy sex can shake things up short term, you may get more feel-good oxytocin (the cuddle hormone often experienced during orgasm) with far less effort by following this simple routine.

Simple? Yes. Challenging? Definitely.

Our brains are wired to follow the path of least resistance. To do just enough to get results. Any more, and that’s wasted effort.

So as a couple settles in for the long-haul it’s natural to put less effort into the relationship.

Problem is we still expect to receive the good feelings, the loving embraces and the longing gazes – without the effort.

And so when feelings ebb, couples wonder whether they’re simply no longer in love.

If you fall for this trap, you’re in for a long string of short-term relationships because all relationships take work to maintain their energy.

Is Feeling Grateful For What You Have Enough?

Ten years ago, Dr Martin Seligman, considered the father of Positive Psychology, told a crowded lecture hall that if we only took one thing from his 9 days of teaching it was to practice gratitude.

So I began a gratitude journal.

This practice lasted a whole 5 days before I noticed a recurring theme.

Each day was becoming a recycle of those before:

I wrote of gratitude for friends. A job that paid the bills. Appreciation of my car that got me home safe. Health. Gorgeous weather. My beautiful son.

All good. But something didn’t feel right.

Why was recording what I was grateful for bringing such an ungrateful attitude to filling in the journal nightly?

I’d begin the nightly journaling with a monk-like approach – all chaste and whole as I recollected the day.

Yet as I read over the notes, I felt I could have simply written ‘ditto’ from the day before.

I just wasn’t feeling it.

In the act of ‘getting the gratitude journal done’ I’d lost the intent and the felt sense of what gratitude involved.

How Oxytocin Flipped The Equation

A 2014 study by gratitude researcherSara Algoe and colleague Baldwin Way, explained what I was missing.

Obvious now after reading their work – yet as most of us come to realise – hindsight highlights wisdom often missed in the moment.

I’d fallen for a task-oriented approach so I could ‘tick’ it off my list rather than be fully in the moment and mindfully present.

Not being ‘mindfully present’ is a common phrase I hear in the office describing a partner’s mental absence during meals, conversations or shared moments with the family.

Essentially being mindfully present means that a person is paying attention, consciously listening to what is being said and aware of what’s changing moment to moment.

Being mindfully present has much to do with what the 2014 research study describes.

The study essentially says that a meaningful ‘thank you’ to your partner for something they did causes an increase in positive emotions (including feelings of love), improves how your partner sees you and increases overall relationship satisfaction.

The most noteworthy part of the research discovered a link between the secretion of oxytocin (the cuddle hormone) and expressing gratitude to a partner.

As the authors describe it: “The oxytocin system is associated with solidifying the glue that binds adults into meaningful and important relationships”.

Similar findingscome from studies looking at life satisfactionand the habit of expressing gratitude.

Gratitude is a Multi-faceted Equation

While writing what one is grateful for continues to be a positive practice for many – it’s the act ofexpressing gratitude to another that causes the oxytocin link to be activated and those amazing feelings of love, warmth, connection and appreciation to flourish and flood the body.

And this is where ‘being mindfully present’ is necessary.

First you need to notice your partner, attune to the little things they do, make eye contact, listen to what they’re saying and be emotionally aware.

Without doing this – gratitude and the release of oxytocin will remain a pipe dream, and your relationship will continue declining.

These days, my gratitude habit happens in the moment. And by pausing to appreciate the world’s beauty, my partner’s kindness, my cat’s loving licks or my clients’ amazing growth, I gain another squirt of that feel-good oxytocin.

You can use this biological phenomena to enhance your relationship, health and well being in general.

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The Top 7 Gratitude Habits Loving Couples Thrive On

1. Waking Up from the hypnotic, robotic life of ‘busy’

If you haven’t realised it yet, it’s wake-up time to what’s happening around you. To noticing more. To pausing and showing appreciation. To elevating the smallest things that many take for granted.

If you can wake yourself from the hypnotic, robotic life of ‘busy’ you may be choosing and seeing what others do for you (often without you even noticing) – then you’re on the right track.

After living years of forced routines, mindless television series and mundane conversations, waking up may take a few alarm clocks buzzing in your ears before a new habit of deep gratitude and appreciation settles in.

In fact, if couples could begin their relationship with this practice – of actively noticing what each does for the other and show appreciation daily, then a few less people would need to work with me or other relationship therapists.

Each person would be lifting the relationship and maintaining its energy by cherishing those micro moments of appreciation – and receiving the exquisite release of oxytocin accompanying it.

Every morning we have the chance to wake up fresh and start again – no matter whether yesterday was frustrating, your partner annoyed you or you had to clean up a mess you didn’t make.

Starting the practice of gratitude before you get out of bed is a positive way to begin the day.

Suggestion: Tell your partner (or text them if they’re not there – or leave a note next to their pillow if they’re not yet awake) how much they mean to you. Give them a compliment – offer them the warmest and most appreciative start to the day.
It’s a gift that will multiply and ripple throughout the hours, days and weeks to come.

2. Adopting the characteristics of grateful people:

Becoming a grateful person looks like this –

1. Appreciative of others – especially their partner

2. Thankful for what they already have

3. Inspired by beauty and feel ‘awe’ when experiencing it

4. Aware of how important it is to experience appreciation and express gratitude daily

5. Aware that life is short and it has meaning

6. Living life to its fullest (and not feeling deprived from not having the latest fad)

7. Authentically living in the present moment

8. Feeling positive of themselves in social settings

9. Appreciating others’ contributions to their well-being

10. Appreciating simple pleasures – things that are freely available to people generally

As I re-read this list, I feel a sense of calmness, just like when meditating.

Suggestion: Set yourself a challenge and choose one of the above characteristics per day for the next ten days. Reflect on it when meditating, write about what it means to you in your journal, talk about it with your partner.

Change happens when you act, so start by scheduling it in your calendar, setting an alarm or putting everything aside right now to reflect on one thing that could shift you, your relationship and anyone you come in contact with.

3. Practicing Forgiveness:

The Japanese have a practice called ‘Naikan’. Developed in the 1940s by Ishin Yoshimoto, Naikan forms part of a meditative practice, based around three questions:

1. What have I received from (insert your partner/person/pet/object’s name)

2. What have I given to (the name from above)

3. What trouble have I caused (the same name from above)

For most of us, it is easier to forgive others when we see the trouble we cause, feel the shame of hurting another or are shown the impact of our selfish nature.

Do many of us set out to cause trouble? No. Although to have our needs met, we often put our needs before our partner’s.

Perhaps it’s an old survival instinct. Perhaps it’s a lack of thought. Perhaps it’s through a lack of emotional awareness.

We are all works in progress.

4. Offering Bids:

An often-quoted couples researcher, Dr John Gottman, built a ‘Love Lab’ (along with his colleagues) in 1986 at the University of Washington to study couples’ behaviour. It led to a raft of indicators pointing to how successful couples flourish and remain together. One of the key attributes, the researchers noted, was when one partner responded to their partner’s bid.

Here’s what a bid looks like:

If Zac is looking out the window and sees a sulphur crested cockatoo sitting on the edge of a bird bath in the garden and comments to his partner how beautiful the bird is, and his partner, Leon doesn’t look up from his phone or reflect back his partner’s interest, then Leon has effectively dismissed Zac’s attempt to connect. Leon hasn’t responded to the bid offered by Zac to connect.

Instead, if Leon had noticed Zac comment and put his own interests aside for the moment to share what Zac was seeing, an opportunity to connect would have occurred. In appreciating the beauty that Zac sees, Leon would be leaning into seeing Zac’s view of the world through his eyes.

Sharing a moment together, and more importantly expressing gratitude for receiving this moment creates a mutual connection. And offers the opportunity for another boost of oxytocin.

It doesn’t matter whether Leon is interested in sulphur crested cockatoos or not – it does matter that he shares the moment and appreciates Zac’s perspective.

5. Eye Gazing:

• How often do you look in your partner’s eyes?

• How often do you pause to really ‘see’ them?

• How often do you allow your gaze to linger and languish on their unique way of moving, of smiling, of working?

Eye gazing is becoming a lost art in our busy tech-centred world. We’re training our eyes to scan, to respond only to something fast moving and flashy. We’re losing the art of slow seduction that starts long before the bedroom.

Try it for yourself– stop what you’re doing and look at your partner in a non-judgemental way.

I’m not talking about glancing and then being distracted.

• Put everything out of your hands, orient your body towards them, breathe gently and focus. Appreciate them for who they are, their quirkiness, their originality, their smile, their way of being. Notice their mannerisms, the way they concentrate, the tiny habits that show they’re thinking, the little gestures or the stillness of posture they hold.

• Then, go up to them, look them in the eyes and tell them what you noticed and how much you appreciate them being in your life.

• Now, notice how your partner receives it – what joy they gained, simply because you paused long enough from your own busyness to notice them. They may brush it off, ask you if you’re on drugs or what’s got into you – so remain for a moment and let them know exactly how much they mean to you. It’s worth doing.

6. Listening:

Another lost art. To clear our minds of the constant clutter clawing for attention is a skill. To remain present to what another person is saying takes effort.

All of us know how to look as if we’re present – the only give away is the glazed eyes and bored look facial muscles assume.

Think of what your listening patterns may be when your brain is in overdrive:

• Fidgeting, being distracted, judging what your partner is saying, dismissing their words as irrelevant, multi-tasking as you’re so gifted, ending their sentences, getting a defence ready as a come-back, disagreeing just for the sake of it, scrolling/texting on your phone, continuing to watch the television as they’re talking, mentally checking out as you’re bored by the conversation …

Which listening habit is yours? Most of us struggle to be 100% focused when our partners are speaking. It takes mental discipline to focus and choose not to be distracted.

Yet listening and being able to reflect back to them what they’ve said is the testament of a good listener.

It shows your partner that you’re present. It shows that you care about what they’re saying.

It’s a subtle way of saying: ‘You’re important to me and I appreciate you.’ Back this up with words, like ‘thank you for sharing this’, or ‘I appreciate you telling me’, or ‘You’re such a caring person’, or ‘I love hearing what you’re saying – tell me more’, or ‘I can hear how important this is to you – what can I do for you?’

Do this, and watch your relationship shift in a positive way.

7. Paying Attention:

• Has your partner ever become upset or angry and you haven’t understood why?

• Have you ever noticed your partner going quiet and not showing any warmth?

• Have you asked your partner what’s wrong and got a ‘Nothing’ pouty-style response?

Some people find difficulty expressing emotions in the moment. For some, it’s as if they’re being too vulnerable and cover it with a ‘if you loved me you should know’expression.

If partners notice the little signs and speak to them rather than using a blaming/put-down phrase like ‘What’s wrong (with you)?’ problems would remain as pebbles, not rocks that build walls.

Paying attention means noticing the small muscles shift in your partner’s face, noticing a change of facial colour or tone, noticing a shift in body movements, noticing any hand-to-face gestures, noticing what a ‘mask’ looks like (the stone-faced grimace designed to protect a person).

Noticing these shifts with compassion and moving gently towards them and saying: ‘I can see something is bothering you/hurting you’, or ‘I can feel you becoming distant’, or ‘I can hear you retreating’, or ‘I’m wondering if I’ve hurt you’.

These words express awareness.

Then, track back over anything you’ve just said or done that may have been a trigger for your partner. If you know your partner well (and have been paying attention), you’ll know what triggers them and sets them off.

When you’ve located the moment, ask:‘By mentioning (insert what you may have said that was a trigger) was I careless with your feelings?’

This isn’t a time to be defensive with whatever they respond with. It’s a time to express gratitude that they shared it with you. A simple, ‘Thank you for letting me know’ will help. For many people expressing the problem and exposing their vulnerability can be hard to do as it may bring up old wounds.

So stay in the moment and listen. Show empathy. Offer gratitude for the connection as they could have stewed on this for days (if that is their style of dealing with problems).

As science is learning more about how our brain and our biology work, we have much to re-learn. Kindness, generosity and gratitude are simply the start to building stronger relationships.

How Can You De-Stress Your Relationship?

"Calmness is the cradle of power."―Josiah Gilbert Holland

During these covid times, I’m reminded that self-care requires more than a massage, facial or another bout of online shopping.

Each of us lives with stress. Busy, pressured lives mean we’re asked to do more in less time.

Most know the cost of not managing stress, yet believe we’re ‘ok’ until our personal health shows up and tells us otherwise.

Stress places pressure on our autonomic nervous system, which if not released can damage health, sometimes permanently. And the low-level stress we’re training our body to think of as normal is testing our resilience.

The top 3 stressors are money, work and family responsibilities — and each of these impacts our relationships.

We understand how to manage physical stress in the short term — taking time out, exploring hobbies, easing away from heavy workloads, getting more sleep, eating well, laughing more and spending time with people we love and care about are all positive steps.

But …

What about internal stress — how do you manage these things:

• Stress felt from not feeling heard by your partner?

• Stress felt by raw emotions being triggered again and again when yet another problem arises between you and your partner?

• Stress felt from burying your needs as no amount of talking seems to make a difference.

If we don’t find ways to release these stresses, they become stored in our body. Layer upon layer builds until we feel its effect through an array of health issues:

• headaches, high blood pressure, heart problems, diabetes, skin conditions, asthma, arthritis, depression, anxiety.

Research suggests stress also can bring on or worsen certain symptoms or diseases as the Royal Australian College of General Practitioners describes:

“It is now known that stress is a major cause of illness, especially cardiovascular, gastrointestinal and psychiatric disease, both directly and indirectly, due to the harmful behaviours through which people seek to relieve their distress (eg. substance abuse).” https://www.racgp.org.au/

We Create Our Own Stress

At one level we inherently understand what contributes to stress, yet internal stress is created and maintained by us, particularly if we’re in a relationship where neither is taking responsibility for changing and the daily rituals of pretending you’re in a loving relationship are causing resentment.
In my office, I hear the following top 20 concerns from couples. Each of these issues induces high levels of stress if not managed:

1. Telling yourself you don’t need to change until your partner does

2. Bottling up emotions just to keep the peace

3. Treating your partner to relentless tongue lashings (verbal abuse)

4. Emotionally punishing your partner by not speaking to them for days after an argument

5. Playing tit-for-tat so you have the last word

6. Rolling your eyes at anything your partner suggests

7. Not letting your partner find their space to calm down when triggered/upset — instead following them so you get a resolution to the latest issue

8. Ignoring or dismissing what your partner says — because you ‘know better’

9. Shutting down emotionally (stonewalling) when a challenging conversation arises

10. Using alcohol or substances to self-medicate so you don’t feel the rising stress in your body

11. Blaming your partner for causing any problems

12. Keeping score and remembering all the little annoying things they do so you can use them as weapons against them during the next argument

13. Talking over your partner from a one-up position

14. Belittling (or ignoring) your partner when out socially

15. Believing intimacy isn’t important in a relationship

16. Never feeling the need to apologise (sincerely)

17. Feeling lonely and as if no one has your back in the relationship

18. Numbing out any uncomfortable emotions with alcohol, drugs, shopping, over-exercising or drugs

19. Feeling anxious when home with your partner — as if you’re walking on eggshells waiting for the next blow-up or put-down

20. Feeling a loss of hope about where you are in your life and in your relationship

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How many of the above list did you resonate with?

Stress thrives in our bodies because we allow negative thoughts to conquer our mind, which in turn feeds stress-inducing emotions.

As Bessel van der Kolk says:
“Neuroscience research shows that the only way we can change the way we feel is by becoming aware of our inner experience and learning to befriend what is going on inside ourselves.”

When emotions cause you to feel exhausted, numb or physically ‘done’ — they don’t wither and die, instead they create a swamp — one with toxic mosquitos that will continue to infect your mental and emotional capacity to cope, unless you do something about them.

When a relationship seems like it’s hitting rock bottom, you may feel a loss of control. And this could be setting you up for losing self-esteem and hope.

The fuel for change can feel as if it’s running on empty.

At the heart of shifting old patterns in a relationship are our beliefs.

“More smiling, less worrying. More compassion, less judgment. More blessed, less stressed. More love, less hate.” ― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

Beliefs are often subconsciously carried. They may include:

• How we should feel in a relationship.

• How relationships should look.

• How love should be in a relationship.

These ‘should’ beliefs can stop us from seeing a more positive pathway forward.

For any couple, the underlying model to support beliefs varies.

No standardised mould fits all couples.

Although three aspects are commonly found.

Couples experiencing successful relationships choose to minimise stress and maintain a balanced equilibrium by practicing these 3 core areas:

1. Agreeing on how and when to raise issues around challenges and concerns in the relationship in a respectful manner.

2. Having regular conversations about how each is caring for the other’s needs — mentally, socially, physically, financially, environmentally and emotionally.

3. Prioritising the relationship above all else.

These can form the foundations for a successful relationship.

“In times of stress, the best thing we can do for each other is to listen with our ears and our hearts and to be assured that our questions are just as important as our answers.”
― Fred Rogers, The World According to Mister Rogers: Important Things to Remember

How do couples create successful foundations?

They do ‘the work’.

• They understand each other’s raw points — or triggers — and aim to be gentle and caring if things arise that are causing issues.

• They apologise for their role in breaking a shared agreement.

• They choose not to be defensive, instead remaining to be present and experience empathy for what their partner is experiencing.

• They communicate by listening with their eyes and bodies.

• They show affection in many small ways throughout the day.

• They make time for each other.

One couple I’ve worked with does this through weekly check-ins each Sunday morning along with breakfast in bed. They bring up how each felt when something happened during the week (positive or negative), or when they felt misunderstood.

Another couple checks-in with each other nightly by sharing what they love about each other.

And the two that I practice daily in my relationship are:

1. Giving regular compliments of appreciation, affection, love and gratitude

2. Giving and receiving bear-hugs that help me feel grounded, loved, supported and secure.

It’s hard to feel stress when I’m sending out (and receiving) positive messages multiple times a day. And this makes it much easier to talk about challenges that may arise as our ‘love bucket’ receives daily top-ups to make sure that no leaky holes form in it that could drain our love.

Add in a regular dose of mindfulness and managing internal stresses in your relationship becomes more manageable.

“Mindfulness not only makes it possible to survey our internal landscape with compassion and curiosity but can also actively steer us in the right direction for self-care.”
― Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

If you’d like to find out what’s possible in your relationship when stress isn’t triggered, click here for a special offer.

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What To Do When Your Partner Won't Listen

“Inhale the future, exhale the past. “— Author Unknown

It’s a miracle any of us make it through tough times in a relationship.

Most of us hold on though, as memories of good times remind us of how much we love our partners. How much we care for their quirky ways. How much we have in common. How much we remember feeling no one else gets us like this person does.

But then, before we can really relish this state, reality with all its daily problems returns with a thud squishing those warm fuzzy feelings.

Now we’re back on the old roller-coaster cycle that leaves us feeling abandoned or alone.

“I don’t think he loves me.”

“She never shows me any affection.

“He’s always in the garage — it’s like he’s avoiding us.”

“She’s never happy with what I do to help out — so why bother, she’s going to whinge anyway.”

We may wonder what life would be like on our own.

Listen. Are you breathing just a little and calling it a life? — Mary Oliver

Some end up choosing this option as frustration, anger or resentment seems to have numbed any love once felt.

For others, the fight to keep the relationship alive can feel like they’ve entered a fencing competition where neither knows the rules. In the process, practicing a painful game of point-scoring.

A couple of years ago I took a fencing class — instigated by my brother who believed the sport would help me reduce tension. (That’s a whole other story.)

What I found was that my idealised notion of fencing (gathered from old British spy movies) stopped me from being present and really listening to the instructions given by the instructor.

The intention to shuffle-step towards my opponent looked more like a Scottish Highlander charging at the enemy — hell-bent on releasing the tension of the world onto my unsuspecting opponent.

The instructor regularly stopped the class, reminding us (me) that we weren’t on any movie set.

He demonstrated the moves again and we followed along step-by-step.

Yet, once the bell dinged to begin an actual duel my inner warrior (thank you Mel Gibson) returned and in the heat of parry-and-thrust the emotional energy of fight and flight kicked in and I was at it again.

Recklessly charging along the black rubber matting until I tripped over my own feet, mortally wounding my out-of-control ego.

Battling With Out of Control Egos Wounds Partners

“If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego!”― Richard Rohr, Breathing Underwater

The scene reminds me of how challenging it can be to change our emotional responses when fighting with partners.

If you’re used to retreating from arguments and any sign of conflict, then staying in the heat of the moment can feel as if a volcanic explosion could internally erupt at any moment.

On the other side of the equation, if you’re a ‘let’s-talk-this-out’ kinda person, then cooling your heels while your partner calms down and feels ready to talk rationally about the problem is akin to feeling bound and gagged. A cruel form of torture for those ready to spend hours battling issues.

Knowing your pattern (and your partners) helps you choose wiser actions when challenging moments arise.

Both responses (retreat and attack) feel charged with emotion, yet in the moment it’s challenging to feel empathy for the other while the oldest part of your brain is signalling danger and getting you ready to respond.

Your breath is your anchor.

“Each breath is like a little rebirth, a renaissance that can only be celebrated if we recognize that it’s happening.” — Cristen Rodgers

Just like the bruises my knees and ego took during that fencing lesson, a wiser me could have chosen to use a simple breathing technique before the pseudo duel.

This would have achieved two things.
1. Firstly to maintain emotional presence.
2. Secondly to focus my energy in a positive manner.

This simple process would have helped keep my amygdala from responding with nothing more than a primitive fight-flight response.

In meditation terms it’s described as ‘returning to the breath’. The single focus is on the one thing we can control in heightened moments, the one thing that’s constant in our lives — breathing — regardless of whatever we’re doing.

So if I’d prepared my body well for the fencing bout, I would have followed the navy seals advice:

When in a stressful situation breathe in for four seconds, hold for four seconds, breathe out for four seconds, hold for four seconds.

While doing this, aim to notice the senses associated with the breath entering your nose, touching the back of your throat, filling your lungs, causing your belly to expand.

Repeating this pattern helps regulate the autonomic nervous system.

Is it easy to do in the moment?
Heck no.
Is it worthwhile learning so your emotions become more regulated?
Heck yes.

Yet who among us doesn’t return to the thrust and parry of warrior-self while believing in our ‘right-ness’ when caught in those electrifying moments of fight and flight?

“Deep breathing brings deep thinking and shallow breathing brings shallow thinking.” — Elsie Lincoln Benedict

Communication skills are great tools. Yet, virtually impossible to use if we struggle in regulating our nervous system. The ‘fight-flight’ system that’s activated during arguments will angrily charge your words, actions and emotions until the energy is spent and you’re left licking your wounds wishing you hadn’t uttered the belittling crap that just came out of your mouth — or as suggested by your body language.

If you fall readily into the fight-flight pattern, please know there is an inevitable outcome to any argument: Your partner will rarely change just to accommodate your anger, your retreating from the situation or any other form of acting out.

We cannot change our partners. All we can do is change ourselves.

And most importantly, it’s up to us to manage emotional responses so arguments don’t result in stressful bouts designed for a win-lose situation.

All relationship repair work begins with knowing how to manage one’s own emotions.

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” — Thich Nhat Hanh

Get this right, and then discovering where those recurring triggers come from (often they arise from unconscious perceptions around how we were raised during our early years), helps shift old self-protective beliefs that could be undermining your relationship.

Do this, then practicing positive and caring communication skills will come more easily — just like learning how to fence — follow the basic steps, not those remembered from out-of-date memories.

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How To Build Honest Relationships With Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty, Icky or Rude

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“We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change.”― Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

I first learned about boundaries and consequences in primary school.
 
‘Don’t cross the white line on the asphalt’ was a boundary meant to keep us safe. And if caught ‘out of bounds’, consequences followed.
 
Miss Secombe seemed to be everywhere and nowhere simultaneously — her hawk eyes always prowling for ‘out-of-bounders’. The punishment: picking up 100 scraps in the yard instead of eating lunch.
 
As a Principal, Miss Secombe demanded we stand like soldiers when lining up for class — her boundary for obedience was rigid. We knew what she expected —our eyes glued to the back of the person’s head in front of us with military precision.
 
Sport offered a similar approach — one foot over the boundary and I forfeited a toss.
 
These boundaries feel arbitrary now. Symbols of tribal rules, ways of enforcing group behaviour around goals I didn’t really buy into. 
 
Now I see boundaries from a different perspective and understand they’re more about shared agreements around respect and acceptance — particularly when it comes to being in a healthy and loving relationship.

• Boundaries are not about causing (or feeling) guilt with military-like consequences.

• Boundaries are not arbitrary rules that create ‘one-up power’ over another.

• Boundaries are not actions we trade for love or acceptance.

Boundaries are for creating equality and respect. For self-defining we end and and another begins.

What are boundaries in relationships?

“Our boundaries might be rigid, loose, somewhere in between, or even nonexistent. A complete lack of boundaries may indicate that we don’t have a strong identity or are enmeshed with someone else.” Tracey Cleantis

Mark Manson says: Boundaries in relationships work both ways: they create emotional health and are created by people with emotional health.
Dr John Amodeo says: Having boundaries means honoring ourselves as a separate individual with needs and wants that often differ from others.
Dr Tracey Hutchinson says: Boundaries are basic guidelines that people create to establish how others are able to behave around them.
 
As a younger woman I wish I’d learned how to push boundaries more. I would have discovered what it took to stand up for myself and respect my needs, rather than waiting for someone else to grant me that human right.

I wish I’d understood what it felt like to set my own boundaries, instead of being so sensitively attuned to those of others. That fear instilled during early years of ‘being out-of-bounds’ kept me ‘bound’ for longer than needed.

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Setting Boundaries Can Be Tricky

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.”― Brené Brown

Setting boundaries often comes with guilt for those who felt ‘bound’ for decades. The act of saying ‘no’ and prioritising oneself can feel selfish and ignorant. An act of having ‘power over’ another.
 
I hear partners tussle with this idea. When this happens, the person feeling guilt at setting a boundary needs to tackle an old belief about what it means to meet another’s need before considering one’s own. 

Putting yourself last so other people come to think of you as ‘a nice person who always thinks of others’ is duping yourself into taking the role of ‘passive people pleaser’.

A friend used to describe this as the ‘burnt chop syndrome’. A place where mothers (usually it was the mother) would offer others the best pieces of meat and give herself the burnt, shrivelled, dried-out left-overs.

This doesn’t set up a person for having relationships built on equality, fairness or respect in their life. Much needs to be unlearned before creating respectful and healthy boundaries.

There will always be times when each of us puts another person’s needs first — in times of ill-health, a pressing problem or through being gracious or giving of one’s resources. That’s having a healthy boundary — one that flex in given circumstances.

Are Boundaries Necessary?

Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and your right to choices. Gerard Manley Hopkins

Boundaries can feel so unnecessary when all is going well. In the early days a couple may feel they’ve intuitively read the same book on how to be relationally compatible. Nothing seems to get in the way of love and connection during those early days.
 
However, that blissful state lasts just long enough for us to relax before ego re-emerges for a reality check-up.

When I work with a couple on their relationship, the issue of boundaries is the most common one arising.
 
A couple may not express their need for stronger boundaries — instead they’ll describe niggly arguments, anger that’s getting out of control, disconnection from each other or trust issues needing repair.
 
Yet, what they’re describing stems from a lack of boundaries. The challenge in understanding this is in knowing that boundaries don’t arrive out of thin air — they’re crafted by a couple to protect the relationship above all else.

• Think of boundaries as guide rails that keep a couple’s relationship safe and secure.

• Think of boundaries as offering a way of living fairly in a relational space.

• Think of boundaries as agreements a couple make jointly.

In the early days of a relationship, couples make assumptions around how the relationship will work when challenges and competing interests arise.
 
The problem is that couples rarely discuss these assumptions. Each person inherently believes the resolution to arguments or concerns that arise are ‘given’, so obvious the issue doesn’t need discussing. This inevitably leads to misunderstandings, defensiveness, disbelief, blame and a battle of egos vying for one-upmanship.
 
Challenges inevitably arise in a relationship around the need for personal time, sharing of responsibilities, differing opinions, child rearing routines, shared family time, managing work commitments and sexual needs.

It’s in how a couple prepare for these circumstances that helps them create agreements.

The role of Shared Agreements

“If you have to ask to be treated right, you are around the wrong people. On the other hand, if you allowed this behavior to enter into the relationship from the start, it can and will continue, and will be very difficult to change up later. Set your boundaries sooner than later.”― Christine E. Szymanski

If I could suggest one thing a couple did to enhance their relational well being, it would be creating shared agreements around aspects of the relationship that need protecting. In other words, shared agreements form the container in which boundaries are held.

An agreement may look like this, for example:

WHAT OUR RELATIONSHIP NEEDS: To keep our relationship healthy and thriving, it’s important for us to put each other first above all else.
To do this, we both choose to prioritise each other over personal interests, friends, work or ‘numbing out’.
We’ll do this by:

1. Creating daily rituals eg dedicated time with each other where phones/TV/ipad are put in another room so we can talk about things that are important to us, walk together, have an evening cup of tea together, or do an activity we both enjoy doing together.

2. Maintaining intimacy by making sure we give each other a loving cuddle and warm-hearted kiss daily.

3. Being interesting — this means expanding our interests, learning more, focusing on personal growth

4. Negotiating anything (eg working late, time with friends, personal interests) that may cause disruption to our mutually shared interest of putting each other first.

This process helps a couple express what’s important for the relationship to thrive. They’re on the same page. The agreement isn’t focused on personal needs — it’s about ensuring the needs of the relationship come first.
 
If a couple get together and want to stay together, then written agreements like this one form the basis of boundaries.

Without boundaries most relationships come unstuck.

A boundary is not that at which something stops, but that from which something begins. Martin Heidegger

Shared agreements and boundaries are like containers for a couple — in the same way a nest offers a secure place for birds to raise their young. If the nest develops gaping holes due to lack of care and attention, then any precious eggs or chicks within may fall and be lost for good.
 
In the same way, if we don’t care for the home we live in, and let it fall into disrepair, we’re exposing the home to damage from storms and high winds — those unexpected elements that nature randomly bestows on us.
 
It’s the same for a relationship.
 
A relationship that doesn’t have agreements and boundaries in place to keep it safe and secure has nothing to protect it from life’s storms that inevitably come.

Boundaries are formed within the agreements made by a couple.

“Boundaries are, in simple terms, the recognition of personal space.”― Asa Don Brown

If one partner says they’ll be home at 8pm and doesn’t turn up until 8:30pm or 9pm without any text or call, then the agreement of prioritising each other needs repairing. A trust is broken, especially if the couple believe they are ‘people of their word’.
 
Many reasons exist for why a person is late — and hopefully a couple will talk about this in a respectful way that honours agreements made jointly.
 
However, it’s in letting the ‘small’ things slide that eventually breaks the couple’s original agreement and blurs boundary lines.

The next big challenge

“Anger is a sentry, stalking the edges of our boundaries and standing ready to defend them.”― Jessica Moore

This leads to the biggest concern a couple presents with: how each person talks about the issue.

• Do they hide their feelings behind an emotionally withdrawn wall and become defensive or aloof, pretending it wasn’t an issue in the hope of avoiding confrontation?

• Do they express themselves by abusing the person of being thoughtless and selfish as they feel so emotionally violated?

• Or do they choose a healthy place to speak from that respects themselves, the relationship and the partner?

And this is the next challenge couples face — how to manage emotions when a boundary or agreement is broken.

Something Miss Secombe and her rigid school-day boundaries never engaged with.
 
 I’d love to hear from you — what are you going to work on in your relationship to build agreements that help your relationship thrive.

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How to Stop Angry Arguments in Your Relationship Change these two things and see what a difference it makes to your relationship

“I spend my days trying to remember what only my soul knows but my mind can’t comprehend.”
― Raneem Kayyali

How often do you argue with your partner and wish you had better ways of saying what you felt without things turning into a full-blown argument?

If you’re like most couples I work with, you’ll agree. Yet, resolving conflict in a relationship isn’t quite as simple as improving your delivery, asking better questions or listening more.

Recently, a respected relationship therapist, Dr Stan Tatkin, described conflict as coming from three sources: 
 
 “The three main areas that cause conflict in relationships are memory, perception and communication”. 
 
While his take on conflict is interesting — it’s easy to miss what he really means.

In your opinion, which of these 3 influences your arguments?

 Memory? Perception? Or Communication?

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• Long-term memory stored neatly with every challenging and hurtful moment ever experienced in your relationship? Those ones kept in the ‘museum of hurt-heart stories’ with the power to re-open old wounds again? Or,

• Relying on your perception of events captured through a personal viewpoint only you could see and feel at the time? Or,

• The style of communication you use to express your needs within the relationship?

Memories of past wrongs color our perception. Of how lovable we are, how accepted we may be or how worthwhile we feel about ourselves — as partners, friends, colleagues, parents or even children.
 
Our perception of those memories in-turn shifts how we show up in relationships. This can cause us to freeze-up a little and become defensive, all in the hope of self-protection.
 
And when this happens, the underlying resentment you feel (and subconsciously express) — that’s often based on blame (or self-blame) — shifts how our partner sees us. And in turn, we then react by retreating further, which only reinforces those troubling perceptions and memories.
 
Whew. Complex. Circular. Self-defeating.

Most couples I work with describe wanting help with how they communicate. Tools to be more kind, more patient, more understanding with each other.
 
I get this. Yet it’s not what they really need.
 
And that’s because communication is the structured end of the work — not the place where ‘real change’ happens.

Why Clinging To Old Memories Crushes Healthy Relationships

“For a brokenhearted person memories are the vital parts of misery”― Munia Khan

Perceptions of old memories usually need shifting first. It’s as if those Perceptions of old memories — those unhealed wounded memories — usually need adjusting first. It’s as if those memories and perceptions formed a subconscious raft that’s blocking you from relating to your partner with warmth and empathy. 

Once in place, this raft influences your thoughts, emotions and ultimately how you’ll act in your relationships.
 
Take Matty and Kim (not their real names) — a couple I consulted with recently. They wanted to work on their ‘communication skills’, hoping this would stop the number of arguments they were battling through.
 
As we traced the lineage of a defensive stance Kim defaulted to when angry, it went all the way back to an incident that Matty had totally forgotten about. 

A few years previously, Matty described Kim’s personality in an unfortunate way (‘0-negative’ — just like her blood group) and Kim had taken it to mean ‘she wasn’t good enough’.
 
And this in turn reinforced how she’d felt growing up. A child often ignored in the family. A child who grew up to please others in the hope of gaining love, care and affection.

Better Communication Won’t Solve This Problem.

But it’s not the way I remember it. I long for a past that I didn’t have, for the same experiences with different emotions, without the pain, without the ambivalence, without the fear. My heart remembers two different lives and I long for the one I can only see now, in retrospect.”

― Jacqueline Simon Gunn

Long before better communication skills are learned, the re-coding of old beliefs needs to take place.

Instead of Kim continuing to feel a personal wound as a result of her personality being slighted, in the light of hindsight she could easily re-code the old belief as Matty’s need for one-upmanship. 

At first glance Matty made an attempt at humor — BUT when it’s at someone else’s expense it’s closer to grandiosity than anything else. If you’re on the receiving end of thoughtless humor, it’s easy to feel shameful and unworthy — as Kim did.

While re-coding old memories helps, there’s still more to do. And that’s taking a moment to reach the small child inside Kim who continues feeling a deep emotional loneliness and sense of not being good enough. 

It’s here that Kim’s work lays — better communication skills may only further mask and push down painful memories that lay in wait just below the surface.
 
Matty’s comments weren’t intentionally meant to hurt, yet they did. And because Kim felt shamed by his words, she pretended they didn’t mean anything. 

As a child, Kim’s parents told her she was ‘too sensitive’ so the last thing she wanted was Matty to repeat these words to her as an adult.

So Kim chose to store those memories in the hurt-heart story vault — the memory vault only she has keys to — so she can remind herself of how unworthy she truly feels anytime someone carelessly tosses an unhelpful phrase at her.
 
Like Matty and Kim, better communication tools for arguments they’re experiencing today wouldn’t solve the memories or the perceptions Kim laid in the vault years ago.

Two Tools: Compassion and Empathy

Better communication only helps when a couple embraces two things: compassion and empathy.

These twin attributes allow for a safe place to emerge. One that’s able to heal old emotional wounds. 

Without these dual skills, the soft, vulnerable, hurt places felt deeply within remain heavily guarded.

Forgetting to Remember

“Memories are nothing other than ghosts of our past selves that haunt us. Ghosts are nothing more than memories trying to get our attention.”

― Kiran Manral, More Things in Heaven and Earth

Most of us know how to be nice to people, how to help others feel good about themselves, how to be kind and considerate. How to listen when someone needs to talk, how to care for someone when unwell.

The problem is we ‘forget’ how to do this for the person who is our cornerstone in life — our partner.

And that’s because we stop looking. We stop listening. We stop feeling. We stop noticing the small things — those often subtle signals that our partner’s gently request to receive attention, love and care so they feel more connected.

Literally, these are the actions of compassion and empathy: noticing another’s need beyond our own.

It’s in this place of remembering the people we were when we first got together with our partners that relationships flourish, become extraordinary and serve the purpose they were designed for.

Taking Action

The next time you and your partner find yourselves triggered into another argument, pause. And ask yourself:

“If beneath this anger there was an unhealed wound, what would it be?”

The simple act of doing this begins the re-awakening of compassion and empathy.

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How to Cope with Powerful and Untethered Emotions that Stress and Hurt Relationships

“To love” is a skill that is cultivated, not merely a state of enthusiasm. It is dynamic and active. Imbued with intention and responsibility. And it is a verb.” Esther Perel

Couples under stress often feel de-stabilised, which gives rise to powerful and usually uncomfortable emotions. 

Those emotions that cause one's heart to pound as if in a marathon, face to flush and body to freeze over (or become electrically charged) are challenging to experience - and fearful to witness.

They can turn anyone from an easy-going human into a seething swamp of resentment.

At some point, the dark art of ‘emotional volleyball’– hurling the equivalent of ‘hot coals’ from one to the other – becomes more important than what the original problem ever was about.

Resentment is like an elephant – it never forgets.

For some it looks like ranting, raving and ridiculing until their partner heads for the door, slamming it behind with an all too familiar finality.

Hearing couples argue in my office looks like a shame-game of one-upmanship that leads both people into a ‘you-said, I-said’ race to the bottom of the scrap heap in the hope of finding one more piece of dirt to throw.

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Low-level 'humphs', eye rolls or rubbing of one’s face in frustration all come across as energy balls of disagreeable, manipulative, emotional toxicity.
The couple is showing a tiny fragment of what happens at home (that's often watered down in my presence).

I’m adept at shutting down arguments like this in the office by calling out the behaviour. Too many bad memories from my own past relationship to want to relive emotional storms again – or become a referee.

If you’ve been caught in this space of an emotionally dysfunctional relationship, then you know how painful it can be. Some days you may feel your head is in a vice as nothing you do seems to relieve this mosquito-filled swamp you’re trapped in.

Wishing things were different without changing what you do (while hoping to change your partner) is a futile pursuit.

Blaming your partner for creating the problem rarely works (unless it’s a serious values violation and you’re protecting a boundary). Silent treatment or retreating internally doesn’t resolve anything, as that well full of resentment that’s been stagnating for years simply continues rising until it’s ready to burst.

You’ve possibly asked yourself what the real problem in your relationship is. You’ve talked to friends, read books, listened to podcasts and watched countless YouTube videos with guaranteed-to-work 5-step plans.

At times, you may have found moments where you can talk and resolve to treat each other with more compassion. You may even start well – acting in loving ways towards each other until you forget or complacency reigns again.

And the cycle continues.

A maddening loop of mistrust, misunderstanding and miscommunication often fuelled by increasing stress levels, anxiety or even depression (if the problem has gone on for a while).

Volatile emotions have the power to 'break' you, both personally and relationally.

What’s missing?

If I could nominate just one thing that needs to shift - it’s the simple act of humanity – of treating each other with compassion.

Without this, the problems a warring couple face are the same reasons wars start and faction groups fight for dominance.

It’s an old story: the desire to live with freedom and peace against a backdrop of fear often fuelled by generational patterns.

Few couples understand each other's deep emotions and unique perspectives. And in doing so relegate the relationship to transactional encounters far away from conversations of meaning.

No one sets out to do this, time simply whittles away the feelings of love in the same way that a rock washed by centuries of waves and storms becomes weathered. Some relationships become so worn down as to break into small pieces, eventually ending up as coarse sand that ebbs and flows with daily tides.

And along the way, few listen to their own emotional needs, let alone their partners.

Lack of honesty

Many women complain about their partner’s lack of presence. Few men really get what this means. As a culture we’ve come to rely on words like ‘being present, ‘coming from a heart space’ and ‘emotional awareness’ as euphemisms that replace saying what a person is really feeling. These words have sanitised our emotional expressions.

A better way of expressing emotions are these: ‘I feel alone.’ ‘I feel unloved.’ ‘I feel empty.’ ‘I feel hurt.’ ‘I feel sad.’ etc.

It’s often more culturally ‘cleaner’ (but misses the point and often sounds like blaming) to speak from our thinking brain and say, ‘I feel that you’re not listening to me.’ ‘I feel like you shut down when we talk about difficult things.’ ‘I feel that you’re not present anymore.’

I’m wondering if you can spot the difference between these two ways of expressing emotions?

As soon as we add the words ‘that’ or ‘like’ we’re interpreting and coming from our meaning-making mind, not speaking from our emotions. 

Why do we do this?
It’s easier. We’re trained to think logically, while internally we make meaning from our emotions (which may not be as ‘right’ as they feel) – and not share the felt sense, therefore not gaining empathy, compassion and care from our partner.

If I could change one thing we learn about emotions, it would be that emotions have their own language. They don’t need to be interpreted into words that can be misunderstood or put up for judgement. We simply need to learn how to express those emotions in a way others can relate to.

If a child came to you and said, ‘I feel sad’, most adults would stop what they’re doing, get down to the child's level so they could make eye contact more easily, gently pull the child in for a hug and ask a question, ‘Can you tell me what’s happening for you?’ (or a similar question to understand more).

Yet within a few short years, this child will learn – often from their parents – how to mask emotions and act-out instead.

If we could approach our partners with the same compassion we’d offer a child who’s struggling with an emotion, then we’d be on the road to understanding and repair within our own relationships.

Sadly, we miss seeing our partner's wounds as we’re so busy licking our own.

It doesn't have to be this way, change is ever-present - which we'll be talking about soon.

What are your thoughts - I'd love to hear :)

Barbara Grace

How To Value Yourself & Set Better Boundaries In Your Relationships

Relationship therapist, Barbara Grace, describes essential insights to expressing and valuing yourself more positively and purposefully in your relationship by creating better boundaries.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

“Being taken for granted is an unpleasant but sincere form of praise. Ironically, the more reliable you are, and the less you complain, the more likely you are to be taken for granted.” — Gretchen Rubin

Let’s start with two quick questions:

First question: How much do you value yourself (on a scale from 1–10)?

Second question: How well do you set boundaries to prioritise your personal & relational well being (on a scale from 1–10)?

Chances are that if you score high on the first question, then you will possibly score high on the second. Similarly, if you score low on the first question, then you will probably also score low on the second.

Why? Because how you think about yourself often influences how well you assert your needs and establish boundaries to achieve them within a relationship.

Accessing your positive and resourceful power only happens when you respect yourself, your partner and the relationship you’re investing in. Then, and only then, can you drop the resentment and set boundaries that support you.

Photo by Artem Beliaikin from Pexels

The Twin Challenges of Valuing Yourself & Setting Better Boundaries

“We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.”

If a relationship is experiencing challenges, those twin factors (self-value and boundaries) often show up as well.

Resentment: The cost of not valuing yourself and setting better boundaries

Here’s a quick check-in: When’s the last time you felt resentment towards your partner, a colleague, a friend or a family member?

Think about it:

• What was happening to your self-esteem at the time?

• How far down the ladder had your own needs fallen?

• How invisible in the equation were you beginning to feel?

• When you spoke, who listened?

It doesn’t take too much for our sense of self-worth to take a direct hit and retreat from this pain.

Resentment lets us know our boundaries are out of alignment — that we’ve allowed someone to take us for granted or assert a level of unresourceful power over us. 

“Anger, resentment and jealousy doesn’t change the heart of others — it only changes yours.”
― Shannon Alder

Resentment is a warning sign that we haven’t put our needs equal to others. It’s a wake-up call that if we don’t express our needs (without feeling guilty for doing so), then others may overlook us as well. Sometimes a relationship can feel like a battle between the ignorant and the ignored, an angry well that feels so deep we could fall in.

Yet, when a couple chooses to honour the relationship’s values, hold each other in positive regard, create mutually beneficial outcomes and operate from a shared position of power and authority — then a healthy, balanced and sustaining relationship is held safely.

True Story

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. ”
― Carrie Fisher

Years ago, I worked with a young woman whose boundaries were so porous that she appeared to live her emotional life as a glossy ball in a pinball game. One moment heading in the right direction, the next bouncing off someone else’s equally porous boundaries.

Her emotional state reacted with overwhelm, rarely with stability. Her relationships looked complicated and her love-needy-ness was at an all-time high. The energy she created propelled a perpetual state of chaos.

This is one side of the powerless equation — boundaryless and lost in a swirl of worthlessness.

She Did It!! Photo by Snapwire from Pexels

While her family background and history offered a clear road map to how she turned up in her life, people like this young woman can choose to reach a point where the desire to honour themselves by discovering their personal power allows the next step to be taken. It was a long road to finding a healthy balance, and she did it.

The Cost of Self-righteous Rigidity

“Resentment is often a woman’s inner signal that she has been ignoring an important God-given responsibility — that of making choices.”
― Brenda Waggoner

Relationships with power imbalances can be challenging to live in. If one partner holds onto a sense of self-righteousness rigidly, then the other can disappear under the weight of their partner’s grandiosity, one-up positioning and superiority.

It can feel like chipping through marble to get to the soul of the human within.

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Techniques used to achieve self-centred outcomes (passive-aggressive stances, blatant manipulation or outright bullying) that position the person as superior and with one-up power can wear down the most resilient of us. 

Yet when you set healthy containing boundaries then you know how to reject self-centred grandiosity and keep yourself (and your self-worth) protected.

Often the embryo of these grandiose states originates as a self-protective strategy — learned by modelling the actions of others, or as a defense to stop ever being hurt again. It’s usually in childhood that these strategies are learned — rarely by choice.

Impact on well being

Many challenges couples face come down to a reduced awareness of how these dual states (self-value and boundaries) impact their emotional well-being.

At the pointy end is often a misaligned relationship with one’s own personal power. Having too much or too little shifts the dynamics of a healthy balanced relationship. So often it’s driven by a personal narrative embedded when young. If a person grew up feeling abandoned, unloved or unworthy it makes sense that their perceived self-worth will be protected beneath an emotional wound simply to survive.

It’s in this space that much of the work I do appears — mining the surface layers of power & ego against the softer and more vulnerable space of unmet emotional needs can create stronger boundaries along with a more joyous sense of self-worth.

So how do you know if your relationship with power is in balance or not?

Take a moment to reflect in your journal (or talk with your partner) about these questions:

In my own experiences, I can look back and see times in my life and relationships that had me putting up rigid boundaries — often due to modelling from parents or from hurts I wanted to protect myself from ever experiencing together.

Those ‘walls’, which can be initially erected as a defensive strategy, are simply ineffective boundaries — either too rigid to feel (or express) emotions or too porous to feel safe within the relationship.

In this month’s ‘Heart of Relationships’ group we’ll be continuing to explore boundaries, power and self-esteem work.

It’s the insights coming from this work that help us turn up in a more healthy and respectful way — to our partners, our children, our families and ultimately to ourselves.

Please share your thoughts with me — what’s your relationship with power and setting boundaries? How has it helped you reconnect with self-worth and self-care?

I’d love to hear from you and read your personal insights.

Barbara Grace — Relationship Therapist at the School of Modern Psychology 

Barbara also runs an online program: Heart of Relationships, you can find out more about it here.