Day 2: Keeping each other safe

DAY 2: Keeping Each Other Safe

Let’s start with a question: How safe & secure do you feel in the relationship?

LIFT = Loving, Intimate, Fair and Trustworthy - Essential ingredients for relationships to LIFT.

If you don’t feel physically safe - get support from an organisation such as: White Ribbon (Australia)

To see the “Introduction to LIFT” video again, click here.

To see Day 1: “What do you admire in your partner” again, click here.

Remember to join our private Facebook group

Over to you: Today’s Exercise

Feeling safe in a relationship is a primary need for ‘secure functioning’.

Start by reflecting on the question in the video: “How safe & secure do you feel in your relationship?”

If you feel safe & secure - well done! Because this takes work to achieve. If this is the case, ask yourself what you and your partner are doing to help you both feel secure.

If you don’t feel safe and secure in one (or more) areas - then consider any of the 10 areas listed in the video (physical, emotional, psychological, financially, spiritually, environmentally, socially, foundationally, mentally, sexually) that resonate with you.

Use your journal to explore what it is you’re experiencing and what you’re feeling as a result.

• Write down how you’d prefer things to be. How would you prefer to feel?

• What would need to happen that would have you feeling more able to share your inner thoughts, emotions, hopes or dreams with your partner?

• What shifts could you take so this can happen?

Extension exercise: Creating a safety plan/agreement

For example: Let’s say you’re a couple who argues a lot. You may notice that one of you walks off while the other pursues, which can lead to the argument escalating. This is commonly known as the distancer/pursuer stance. Your agreement could be around letting your partner know when you feel like a ‘flare’ is going off inside and that you don’t feel safe (or strong enough) to continue talking. Instead of internally seething and trying to control your emotions - simply notice them, let your partner know what’s happening internally for you and then call for time out - always let your partner know you will be returning in say 10 or 15 minutes. (This isn’t about huffing and walking out without communicating what you need!)

The agreement would look like this: If we start arguing and one of us is feeling triggered, or like a flare is going off inside, we agree to pause the argument and say: “I need to take a break. Give me 10 minutes and then I’ll come back to talk as I need to calm down at this moment.” The other agrees to not follow, and trust the other will come back. This is important to us because it will keep us both safe from saying and/or doing things we’ll later regret.

Here’s another example: Imagine you’re a couple who have stopped showing affection to each other, which is causing you to feel insecure (or unloved) in the relationship. You may choose to talk about how you can reignite a warmer relationship by agreeing to do one or more of the following each day:

• Kissing each other when waking, when leaving the house for work and on returning home (this doesn’t mean a ‘peck’ on the cheek like you’d give your mother!!)

• Having at least one 3-minute hug each day

• Telling your partner how much you love him/her and what you cherish about them

• Giving your partner at least one compliment each day

The agreement would look like this: We agree to show our love to each other by warmly kissing each other at least 4 times a day. This is important to us because it’s a way of us showing (and receiving) love and connection even though we’re both busy because prioritising each other keeps us feeling safe and secure in this relationship.

Up next … Day 3: What Your Belief System Says About Your Relationship